Embracing The Late Wife

EMBRACING THE LATE WIFE				wanted validation of my fearsand feelings.
In the beginning of our relationship, my husband				Finally, I arranged for a session with a psychologist
actually felt comfortabletelling me about his late wife.				who was also a griefcounselor. After sobbing my
There was an aura of mystery about her,mostly				story to him, he asked me if I would do asimple
because I had not known her prior to her death. To				exercise...write a letter to the late wife as if she
sate my curiosity,				could read it herself.
I just wanted to know the answers to a few basic				I came very close to quitting therapy before I finally
questions, and my husbandwas more than willing to				gave this idea a chance.
oblige me. We were still in that "getting to knowyou"				"Dear Late Wife..."
stage of newfound love, so he had nothing to lose				But a week later, with pen and paper in hand, I
by sharing some basicbackground information with				drove to the cemetery andsat by the late wife's
me about her - the "non-intimate details" of hislate				marker while I poured out my heart.
wife, such as where she attended school, what job				Amazingly,though, once I started writing to her as if
she held prior to herdeath, the cause of her death,				she were sitting right next to me, afunny thing
etc.				happened. My anger faded away, and was replaced
So, for that time being, I was satisfied with just				by sorrowfulcompassion. This is what I wrote:
knowing the basics.				"....I wish I could meet you. I would have liked to have
Soon after marrying him, however, knowing more				knownthe kind of woman my husband chose the
about her became anaddiction that needed satisfying				first time around. I'd like to thinkthat because of our
and a hunger to be sated.				mutual love for him, we might have been good
The Obsession to Know Her				friends.
I remember exactly when the obsession took shape.				And oh, I would have had so many questions to ask
During the firstweek of our marriage, I found a folder				you! What strengthsdo we have in common? What
in his old filing cabinet, and in itwere signed papers for				fears do we share? What was it about ourhusband
an adoption process. Apparently, unbeknownst tome,				that first attracted you? What was it about him that
he and his late wife had actually attempted to				you loved somuch? How did he propose to you?
become the adoptiveparents of a child. I looked at				How was your sex life? Too personal?
the date, and was saddened to see that thepapers				OK, sorry....but it DOES cross my mind from time to
were filed in between the time she discovered she				time!
had cancer and heractual death.				Do you know how guilty I feel sometimes, just
Perhaps this meant that she regretted not having				knowing that Iam here only because you are not -
any biological childrenof her own with him, and now				that I am living the life that you couldhave, had you
wanted to share parenthood with him beforeshe				not died? Your death also left so many fears for
passed away, leaving a legacy of herself behind.				me...will Iever be #1 in my husband's heart? Will I
Whatever her reasons, I was taken aback.				always live in your shadow? Willyour memory and the
Previously, my husband's latewife had been, in my				ghost of you always be in the back of his
naÃ¯ve mind, just another woman from his past.				heart,overshadowing anything good he may feel for
Priorto this discovery, I had only received a simple				me? Will he always hold youup so high on that
biography or factual resume ofher life - nothing to				damned pedestal that I can't get near it? Do you
substantiate anything more meaningful or intimate.				knowhow much I envy you? You were the "first",
Butnow, with this new information, she became much				and nothing will ever changethat. I will always be just
more than that.				the "second".
It was as if I had been in denial - an "ignorance is				I know it all sounds selfish. You didn't ASK to die, and
bliss" sort ofreasoning - since the beginning. But now,				youdidn't want to, either. I know our husband wishes
all at once, I looked upon her withmy heart instead				he could have spared youthe excruciating pain you
of only my mind. And the realization hit me like a ton				endured with cancer. I'm so sorry that you weretoo
ofbricks - she was, at one time, a living, breathing,				young to die. You had so much more life ahead of
valuable human being. Shewas a woman, with				you, so much morelove to share. He loved you so.
emotions, needs, and desires, just like me. And this				But since you did die, he had to move on. Ihope you
realperson was one flesh with my husband! In one				don't hold that against him. I'm sure that if you loved
split second, she went from asheet of useless data				him as youdid, you would want him to be happy.
to a real person, and I wanted to know				And he is happy, really. We have a baby now. Did
her...intimately.				you get tohold her in Heaven before she was born?
It's been said that the best way to defeat an enemy				Did you feel a part of our husbandwhen you kissed
is to know him, or inthis case, her. And at that time, I				her sweet face? I want that to be a nice memory
suddenly felt more threatened by her than Ihad ever				for you. I'msorry you didn't have children. Our
felt by anyone else in my life. She became, in my				husband is such a great daddy, andfor him, the sun
mind, "the otherwoman". She had not only shared a				rises and sets on his daughter. I know you would
past with my husband, but a bed, ahome, a life, her				want thatfor him.
dreams, her body, and eventually, her illness and				Thank you for helping to make him who he is today,
death.				the man Ilove and adore. I know you had something
That made her special, beloved, and unique...especially				to do with that in the short timeyou had together."
to him.				Cleansing My Soul
Ugh! I had never really thought about it that way				When I had finished, I felt relieved. The burden of all
before! She was somuch easier for me to deal with				the rage I had feltwas instantaneously lifted from my
when I thought of her as a one-dimensionalnon-entity				shoulders. I cried for hours. It was as if Ihad been
with non-specific details to describe her non-life! Sure,				grieving her loss myself. I felt almost a sisterhood
there wereenough pictures of her to validate that				with her, andstarted to feel guilty about having hated
she did at one time walk this earth andfill space...but				her. I didn't hate her. I hated me.
now, I had to swallow the painful truth that she did				But now, I loved us both.
more thanthat.				When my next session with the psychologist came, I
So, with my obsession pumping me with energy, I				gave the letter tohim to read. This wise, wonderful
went straight to thesource - my husband - armed				advisor looked at me with sympatheticeyes, and
with enough intimate questions as my arsenal toslay				asked, "So, how does it feel to have
the beast that threatened the security and priority I				forgiven...yourself?"
had always thought Iheld in my husband's heart. It				Myself? Hmm...I hadn't thought of it that way. But he
must have been the fire in my eyes as Ipummeled				was right.
him with my ammo - questions - that made him put				Instead of forgiving the late wife for all the things I
up his shield,but he closed up tight, built a wall, and				had accused her of andall the things I had conjured
refused to play my game.				up in my insecure mind, I came to accept thatsince
He would not share with me her faults! He would not				she was the innocent party, it was me who needed
paint a picture forme of their day to day life as man				forgiveness, andonly me who could grant it.
and wife! He would not regale me withamusing				Consciously, I knew that the insecurities I had
anecdotes of her personality! He refused to succumb				plagued myself with werebased on hypothetical and
to my ploy tobleed him dry of information pertaining				illogical reasoning. But subconsciously, I couldn'thelp it. I
to what made her special, what madeher real, what				wanted someone to blame for making me feel so
made her...loved by him.				insecure. I blamedher, when I really should have
Oh my God, I anguished...it's worse than I thought!				taken more responsibility for my negativefeelings in
This evasion wasproof - he loved her more than he				the first place.
loved me! He thinks she was perfect! Andhe's holding				I suppose I will always wonder about the life my
her up on some unattainable pedestal, where she will				husband shared with hislate wife, and I'm sure I will
forever sit,canonized and sainted by him, every day				always be curious about the person she was.
of his life! I will never be Number				It's no longer an obsession that lives to spite her, but
One in his heart!				more of a quietreflection of a woman who shares
Fighting A Losing Battle With Fear				my husband's heart. It has taken time, butsince I
I thought my marriage was doomed. How could I				have become the master of my own feelings about
share his heart withanother woman? And how could				the past and mademy peace with it (AND with the
he want to marry me in the first place if Imeant less				late wife), my life with and marriage to awidower has
than she did to him?				become much easier.
For a year, I managed to depressingly drag my way				Embracing the late wife is relatively easy if you can
through my marriage,day to day, while still holding				humbly give creditwhere credit is due, since the late
onto the anger, and hating his late wife moreand				wife was a perfectly valuable person,worthy of love
more. I used up so much energy doing this that I				and compassion. Forgiving yourself is the first step in
was exhausted all thetime. My self-esteem				healingthe guilt you may bear for having blamed her
plummeted. I dreaded his touch, for fear he				for feeling rage or hatred. Thenext step is to
wouldthink comparisons..."My late wife was much				remember that, even if you never hear a disparaging
softer"..."My late wife was amuch better lover"..."My				wordabout her, the late wife was not a saint. The
late wife...." etc., ad nauseum.				seemingly flawless windmillsyou tilt at are only those
I just couldn't take it any more, and seriously				in your mind. Embracing her only means acceptingher
considered divorce as theonly alternative, since there				for who and what she was, faults and all, including
was no way I was going to spend the rest of mylife				what she gave to yourhusband. But most of all,
with a man who split his love between me and a				embracing the late wife means accepting that
ghost. But leaving himwould mean she had WON, and				youtwo will be forever linked not by jealousy or a
I wasn't about to let her take him from				sense of competition but bythe love you both
mecompletely! There had to be a better way! I				share(d) with your husband.

Ncsap

Embracing The Late Wife