| Will this be your "Year of the Relationship"? | | | | your other important relationships, from |
| Here's hoping! Whether it's learning to love | | | | children to extended family and even into the |
| and accept yourself, meeting your soul mate, | | | | workplace. Too often, our love partner is the |
| connecting with elders or reaching out to | | | | very person we most take for granted. |
| children, relationships are the measure of a | | | | Sun-Times relationship columnist Laura Berman |
| life well spent. How do yours measure up? | | | | (right) says, "Make it a priority to give |
| | | | your partner five genuine thank yous and five |
| All in the family | | | | genuine compliments every day, and at least |
| | | | one 10-second kiss." She urges couples -- |
| Relationship rules change as kids grow up and | | | | especially those with children -- to make |
| parents age. Responsibility falls to adult | | | | "date night" a priority. For those looking |
| children to reach out to their siblings and | | | | for love, Berman recommends dating coach |
| to parents. "For so much of life, parents | | | | Nancy Slotnick's book Turn Your Cablight On |
| learn how to let go of their children. At | | | | (Gotham, $20). "You have to put the message |
| some point the children need to reach back | | | | out there that you're available," Berman |
| out to their parents," to check their | | | | says, "in terms of how you feel about |
| well-being, reassure and just talk, said | | | | yourself, carry yourself and go about your |
| Joyce Gallagher, commissioner of the city's | | | | day-to-day life. That includes mixing up your |
| Department on Aging. "One of the greatest | | | | routine, putting yourself out there in |
| things I learned, and it was through personal | | | | environments where you might meet a new |
| experience later in life -- my dad had a | | | | person. Practice smiling and engaging with |
| problem with memory -- was not to correct. It | | | | people so someone will see you as |
| wasn't important to try to get the date right | | | | approachable. Lately I observed that the dog |
| or circumstance. It was important to just | | | | park is a great way for singles to meet." |
| listen. [By] breaking into the conversation, | | | | |
| you ruin the connection. | | | | Make new friends but keep the old |
| | | | |
| Seniors have so much to share and so much | | | | Friends forever? Gotta work at it. You may |
| information that can be useful if people just | | | | have been joined at the hip since childhood |
| take the time to listen." Gallagher is the | | | | or college, but don't fall into the trap of |
| mother of 10 children who have all been in | | | | taking longtime friends for granted. Sadly, |
| each other's weddings and are godparents to | | | | it's easy to do with the hectic lives we all |
| each other's children. One key to harmony | | | | lead. "I think it's smart to plan not to," |
| among siblings? "We don't talk about another | | | | says Debra White Smith, a Texas-based |
| person unless they are in the room," | | | | speaker, radio personality and author of |
| Gallagher said. | | | | Friends For Keeps: Building Relationships |
| | | | That Last a Lifetime (Beacon Hill Press, |
| For the love of children | | | | $12.99). "Ask yourself, 'Who in my life do I |
| | | | value?' Maybe you haven't connected in a |
| "I love these girls with every part of my | | | | while, but you have really fond memories. Set |
| being. I didn't know you could feel this way | | | | aside one day a month to call or send a card |
| about other people's children," Oprah Winfrey | | | | or e-mail." Even if you're a |
| said this week at the dedication of her new | | | | communication-challenged friend (the one who |
| school in South Africa. Her comment reminds | | | | can't stand chatting on the phone after work |
| us that there are many ways to be a caring | | | | or hates answering e-mail), you can do |
| adult in the life of a child: through | | | | better. If your long-winded old bud phones at |
| volunteering, working in careers such as | | | | a time when you can't talk, send a text |
| teaching, day care or pediatric medicine -- | | | | message back at least acknowledging the call. |
| even foster parenting. Single men and women | | | | The author of 44 published nonfiction and |
| who yearn for kids have more options than any | | | | Christian fiction books, White Smith offers |
| previous generation. This may be the year to | | | | this advice: "Make a list of what you |
| seriously consider adoption or begin lining | | | | consider a 'golden friend,' somebody who's a |
| up the finances and support network for | | | | cut above, true blue, all the way there for |
| single parenthood. Gillian McNamee, professor | | | | you. Then live that list in giving to others. |
| and director of teacher education at | | | | You'll find it's reciprocated." |
| Chicago's Erikson Institute, says when it | | | | |
| comes to strengthening relationships with | | | | Tap into a higher power |
| children, there is no substitute for spending | | | | |
| time together. As children get older and more | | | | You may not be a regular at anyone's church, |
| independent, that age-old wisdom becomes more | | | | synagogue, temple or mosque, but that doesn't |
| of a challenge. "I've heard parents lament | | | | mean you aren't longing for a relationship |
| that their child is upstairs e-mailing," | | | | with a power larger than yourself. Jean L. |
| McNamee said. "So e-mail your kid, say, 'I'm | | | | Kristeller, psychology professor and director |
| making a great supper for you. Hope you'll be | | | | of the Center for the Study of Health, |
| down soon.' Or leave a voice mail on the cell | | | | Religion and Spirituality at Indiana State |
| phone when a child is at school. A message | | | | University, says "spiritual intelligence" |
| that says I'm thinking of you, I really like | | | | seems to be a fundamental part of a person's |
| something you're doing right now, is a | | | | makeup. ... Regardless of how we understand |
| wonderful thing to do. It takes one minute of | | | | it, there seems to be in every culture [and] |
| time." McNamee "willingly" drives her child's | | | | every community a pull toward finding what |
| car pool (and brings a bag of cookies.) | | | | this means." For those who belong to a |
| "That's always a total hit," she says. | | | | defined faith, that might express itself in |
| | | | prayer. For others, perhaps contemplative |
| Embraceable YOU | | | | silence or meditation. Why does a connection |
| | | | with something or someone we can't see |
| There's nothing wrong with developing a | | | | matter? "We can identify with a relationship |
| healthy relationship with yourself. After | | | | to something outside of ourselves as |
| all, who spends more time with you than YOU? | | | | something to learn from and cultivate |
| Besides, it's pretty tough to establish a | | | | experiences of compassion and empathy, and |
| positive bond with anyone else if you don't | | | | moving out of our own self-preoccupation," |
| love and cherish yourself, idiosyncrasies and | | | | Kristeller says."It's very strong, very |
| all. Maybe the fictional Carrie Bradshaw said | | | | powerful and very important." |
| it best on the final episode of "Sex and the | | | | |
| City": "Later that day I got to thinking | | | | Get real about relationships |
| about relationships. There are those that | | | | |
| open you up to something new and exotic, | | | | Some people spend so much time "interacting" |
| those that are old and familiar, those that | | | | with a computer, cell phone or their car that |
| bring up lots of questions, those that bring | | | | they seem to have a relationship with these |
| you somewhere unexpected, those that bring | | | | objects. The same is often true with pets. |
| you far from where you started, and those | | | | Yes, these tools and furry friends enhance |
| that bring you back. But the most exciting, | | | | our lives and, at times, fuel our emotions. |
| challenging and significant relationship of | | | | But these are not real relationships. They |
| all is the one you have with yourself. And if | | | | can't take you to the emergency room and they |
| you find someone to love the you you love, | | | | won't be at your wake. They cannot sustain |
| well, that's just fabulous." | | | | you. Incidental relationships -- personal |
| | | | trainer, hairdresser, therapist, banker, |
| To have and hold onto | | | | colleagues - fill our days and our calendars. |
| | | | But rarely our hearts. A true friend -- an |
| Love is the ultimate human experience. A | | | | authentic bond -- is a gift. Treasure every |
| solid relationship with your spouse or lover | | | | one! If circumstances find you temporarily |
| is your heart and your foundation, your | | | | friendless or missing friends far away, make |
| comfort and joy. Marriage counselors | | | | new friends by extending invitations and |
| constantly remind couples, whether newlyweds | | | | expanding your circles. All best friends were |
| or long-term partners, to take time and care | | | | strangers at some point. Today's acquaintance |
| to nurture this central relationship. If this | | | | may be tomorrow's best friend! |
| one falters, the repercussions will touch all | | | | |