| There are some facts about adoption that, | | | | really IS a crack whore or how she really |
| really, you cannot dispute unless you are | | | | couldn't manage it, didn't want to parent, |
| just trying to purposely to stay ignorant | | | | had a great agency. I don't need to know |
| regarding the facts of infant adoption in | | | | about how sure she was, or her reasons for |
| this country. | | | | giving you her child. And I don't buy it when |
| | | | you tell me that she is just fine...really, |
| Adoption is, in its perfect form, suppose to | | | | even if she is. Let me talk to her in 18 |
| be about finding homes for children that need | | | | years when the taste of the Kool-Aid gets all |
| them, not about finding children for parents | | | | stale and metallic, without you there so she |
| that want them. | | | | could speak freely. Then I might believe it, |
| | | | but I don't even need to do that. It's not |
| That's the perfect ideal, for the perfect | | | | about proving that you are horrible person, |
| world, someplace we all know we do not live | | | | less of a parent, or a baby stealing troll. |
| in. What seems to be missing are some very | | | | Really, I don't care all that much about what |
| important adoption facts. That doesn't mean | | | | was already DONE. It's over, that's the past |
| statistics like how many children are adopted | | | | and none of us can change it anyway. |
| each year, or examples of great gifts for an | | | | |
| adopted baby, or even simple logistics such | | | | IF YOU GAVE YOUR BABY TO ADOPTION and you're |
| as where to find an adoption agency in Va. | | | | all content and peaceful and still think you |
| I'm talking about the pull your head out of | | | | made a great choice for your baby, and you |
| the sand, stop listening to heart-warning | | | | have no regrets about adoption...OK. I'm glad |
| stories on Oprah, and acknowledge some cold | | | | for you, I really am. I am happy that you |
| hard, adoption facts: | | | | escaped the bullet. I can only hope that your |
| | | | child is in complete agreement with you when |
| THERE IS NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG ABOUT | | | | they can speak for themselves. And if that is |
| WANTING TO BE A PARENT, BUT IT CAN BECOME | | | | not the case, of you ever feel that |
| WRONG DEPENDING ON HOW YOU GO ABOUT BECOMING | | | | "hmmm...this is not what I expected, this is |
| A PARENT. I will never judge anyone for | | | | a bit more than I was warned about" or if |
| wanting to have a child. I would not think | | | | that stale and metallic taste gets to heavy |
| less of anyone or negate their parenting if | | | | on your tongue, then I am here for you still. |
| they became parents though adoption. In fact, | | | | I know that deal all too well. And if you are |
| despite my disgust at the system, there are | | | | super pissed off and angry and hate adoption |
| many parents through adoption who I like as | | | | with every breath of your being, well I get |
| people, trust as friends, work with to | | | | that too and ever stance of conflicting |
| achieve mutual goals. I would even go so far | | | | emotions in between. |
| as to say that I am understanding when I hear | | | | |
| someone spout off some absolute blatantly | | | | IF YOU ARE ADOPTED and it is all peachy for |
| ignorant statement; I shrug and think that | | | | you…..great!! You have only one mother |
| many of the times the perspective adoptive | | | | and father, you have four, and you have six, |
| parents haven't even had a clue. | | | | ok. I cannot tell you how to make your heart |
| | | | beat. Your feelings are not about me, though |
| It's not like they were trying to be cruel or | | | | I will listen and learn from you so I can |
| uncaring. I know that. They were just doing | | | | understand my son more, but really the only |
| what the industry and professionals told them | | | | one who I need to care about as far as the |
| to do, what was "acceptable practices". I | | | | ultimate decree of my motherhood is my kids. |
| blame a system that hides the real hard | | | | If you want to be angry, I say that you are |
| truths from all the parties involved. It is | | | | entitled to your feelings. If you feel |
| only afterwards, when we can come together, | | | | abandoned or rejected, all I can do is hear |
| usually then, when the real truths are | | | | you and try to help you understand what your |
| exposed and fears disassembled, that the | | | | own mom might be thinking or have felt, but |
| "other" side becomes real people with real | | | | even then..I can't really speak for her, |
| feelings, and do many of us realize that we | | | | unless I do know her. |
| played a part in this misuse of an emotional | | | | |
| crisis. | | | | The past is the past and we can really do |
| | | | nothing to change it. We can speak of it, we |
| I KNOW THAT MANY ADOPTIVE PARENTS MIGHT | | | | can document it, we can be truthful about it. |
| RESIST REALLY LOOKING DEEP INTO THE WAY THEIR | | | | That is all I ask: that you be truthful, to |
| CHILDREN'S ADOPTIONS WERE HANDLED. They might | | | | me, to the public, to yourself, to your |
| fight to look into their earlier thoughts and | | | | children's other parents, to your kids. Just |
| often stereotypes. They could, | | | | speak the truth, even if it is hard, even if |
| understandably, desire to remain ignorant of | | | | it makes you uncomfortable, even if it hurts |
| the losses involved in their path to | | | | you inside and makes you question yourself. |
| parenthood. They might begin to think now, | | | | No need to explain or defend this stuff to |
| with regret, about some of the practices of | | | | anyone, especially of you really are still |
| their lawyers and other professionals that | | | | trying to explain or defend this stuff to |
| they trusted. I'm not judging that. I know | | | | yourself. That is your journey. I got mine. |
| that's how it works. | | | | |
| | | | Even if your adoption was perfect, even if it |
| I think it works that way for many parents | | | | was the most ethical thing on the face of |
| who surrender as well. Many do not want to | | | | this earth, even if you saved your child from |
| look at it deeply and fully. It really can | | | | certain death; it doesn't matter to me. If |
| hurt emotionally, in a way that is completely | | | | you are somehow immune from being part of the |
| indescribable and words could never do | | | | problem, are you willing to be part of the |
| justice. Often, by the time we do allow | | | | solution? |
| ourselves to feel deeply regarding the | | | | |
| relinquishment of our children, we have years | | | | I AM STILL GOING TO SAY THINGS THAT MAKE YOU |
| invested in self denial. Because it cannot | | | | UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT ADOPTION. I still want |
| ever be undone and all we can do is live | | | | you to think, I want you to know that it goes |
| though the time, mothers and fathers who | | | | beyond your personal experience, it goes |
| relinquish their child to adoption have a | | | | beyond mine. I want you to behold such truths |
| great resistiance as well and often, anger, | | | | to be self evident, that adoption as an |
| at seeing adoption in a real light. This is | | | | industry has a long way to go before it |
| especially true for newer first mothers who | | | | reaches that perfect ideal that we all strive |
| still must function at a level for survival | | | | for. I want you to care about more than just |
| as they work through their grief. | | | | you and your child, but the child of that |
| | | | poor woman who looks like she just needs a |
| The very same can be said for the adoptee, | | | | break with decent day care. Or care about |
| especially for the ones who insist that they | | | | that really pissed off angry man who keeps |
| "never think about that I am adopted". From | | | | getting a bad deal at work and can't get |
| some of the most honest and real, courageous | | | | insurance for his family to be or gets |
| and brilliant adopted persons I have known; I | | | | crooked out of his parental rights because an |
| have had the honor to learn that many of the | | | | industry is running him down. Care about the |
| feelings that come from adoption do not | | | | young girl down the block who looks like a |
| always invoke feelings of gratitude, or | | | | kid pushing a doll in a stroller to school |
| contentment, but loss and primal rejection, | | | | every day with a loaded back pack of books, |
| as well as confusion, anger, many unanswered | | | | don't judge her, or him, but remember, we all |
| questions and often unsatisfactory love. | | | | could have been in those shoes. Yes, you; if |
| | | | the stars have aligned differently, if life |
| What it comes down to, bottom line; even if | | | | handed you different cards. I want you to |
| an adoptive parent technically participated | | | | stop and think about what it means for a |
| in some questionable actions in the past, I | | | | mother, never mind if she is a young mother |
| don't care. I don't care if a posse of card | | | | or a poor mother, as neither can measure |
| carrying content birthmothers really thinks | | | | love; what it might feel for a mother to lose |
| relinquishing adoption was the best thing | | | | a life with her own child. I want you to stop |
| ever for both them and their babies. I don't | | | | and really think of what you are asking her |
| care about how thankful you are that you were | | | | to do by relinquishing her baby. How do you |
| adopted. It's not about you, really, but it | | | | feel when you hear of a missing child |
| is. It's not the past I am concerned about, | | | | abducted? What emotions do you find OK for a |
| it's the future. It's not how you got here, | | | | mother to feel at that time? Do you |
| but what you are willing to do now. Can you | | | | sympathize with a mother when you hear about |
| face the cold, hard facts? | | | | a tragic accidental death of her baby? And |
| | | | then explain to yourself what makes one |
| ****** | | | | mother's grief over the loss of a child more |
| | | | worthy of our understanding than another |
| ADOPTION IS A 3 BILLION DOLLAR PLUS INDUSTRY, | | | | mother's loss because adoption was involved? |
| probably more like double that. This is a | | | | |
| proven fact. An industry analysis of | | | | I want people to realize that even if, on the |
| Fertility Clinics and Adoption Services by | | | | short term, it seems much more logical and |
| Market Data Enterprises of Tampa, FL, has | | | | sensible for the too young, or too challenged |
| placed a $1.4 billion value on adoption | | | | to give their unplanned children to those |
| services in the US back in '98 or '99. No | | | | that have planned, waited and prayed to be |
| other government or private agency has | | | | parents; that infant surrender is sentencing |
| bothered since then. With a projected annual | | | | both mother, child and extended family to a |
| growth rate of 11.5% to 2004, this makes | | | | life long altercation, often with unpleasant |
| adoption the largest unregulated industry in | | | | results. What is exactly a few years of |
| the US. Do the math; even if we follow | | | | social support, non judgment, and maybe |
| those conservative projections, because the | | | | assisted day care and housing compared to a |
| market has exploded since this last study was | | | | life time of unnatural grief? A life time of |
| done making 11.5% is very mild of a | | | | loss or a few lean years and maybe some tax |
| percentage, we have a number that is in | | | | aided support? What is the greater evil? |
| excess of 3 billion dollars by the end of | | | | Trauma for life or public assistance? |
| 2007. | | | | |
| | | | I want you to think about the world we allow |
| Let's all repeat: NO REGULATIONS PLUS LARGE | | | | to happen for our children and their |
| SUMS OF MONEY EQUALS CLIMATE FOR CORRUPTION. | | | | children; is it good enough? Would you want |
| That, folks, is human nature. | | | | your daughter to have a story like mine, or |
| | | | Nic, or Suz? Do you want to have a universe, |
| ADOPTION LAWS ON THIS COUNTRY ARE ANTIQUATED | | | | a climate in this country where the |
| AND BASED ON CHILD DEVELOPMENT AND HUMAN | | | | government spends money on known programs |
| NATURE BELIEFS THAT WE KNOW TO BE WRONG. The | | | | that fail, like abstinence only policies, |
| amount of knowledge that we have has changed, | | | | that spends tax dollars on studies to find |
| but the legislation has not been updated. | | | | out who to make adoption appealing so that |
| Current changes have been made to benefit the | | | | they can convince women to relinquish, that |
| adoption professionals and the industry in | | | | supports and promotes maternity homes like |
| general because they have the money to pay | | | | Gladney for political favors, that teaches |
| for the lobbyists and the influence. The | | | | professionals downright lies such as the |
| National Council for Adoption, a lobby group | | | | infant adoption awareness training, that |
| with a deceiving name and even more | | | | allows corrupt influences in your children's |
| disturbing game, is paid for by the agencies, | | | | schools like Stephanie Bennett , that has no |
| pro-life groups, and federal tax funds and | | | | regulations and no oversight and makes your |
| grants to promote adoption. They like to | | | | daughters and sons venerable to an industry |
| separate families not protected by money or | | | | that is above and beyond reproach. |
| the Godly union of marriage in favor for a | | | | |
| legally married heterosexual couples. Consent | | | | It's not about what you did; it is about what |
| times, like in California and Pennsylvania, | | | | you can do now. |
| have been reduced, because lawyers and | | | | |
| agencies want it and they are the ones | | | | Are you an adoptive parent, and do I make you |
| speaking out to the politicians. It makes | | | | angry? Do you care that you got what you |
| adoptions and the profits go though the | | | | wanted? Is that all adoption is to you, was |
| system quicker. | | | | to you, a way to be a parent and now it is |
| | | | done? Then why are you here? Why bother; go |
| MANY, MANY MOTHERS DID INDEED LOSE THEIR | | | | live your happy life. DO YOU CARE ABOUT |
| CHILDREN TO ADOPTION AND SUFFER WHAT CAN ONLY | | | | BEING THE BEST PARENT FOR YOU CHILD? Which |
| BE DESCRIBED AS A REAL DIAGNOIS OF | | | | means that adoptive or original parent; you |
| "BIRTHMOTHER GREIF". Whether they were | | | | need to listen to the adoptees and what they |
| downright forced and given no choice, or if | | | | have to tell us about our own children. It |
| they were made to believe they had a choice, | | | | means making this world, this society, a |
| but still felt they had no other options, or | | | | better place where ALL understand and |
| whether they felt they had options, but were | | | | acknowledge what the adoptees tell us of |
| not really given the accurate information | | | | their feelings so they do not feel they have |
| regarding long term ramifications of | | | | to perform or lie or keep quiet at their own |
| relinquishment for them and for their child. | | | | expense to protect those they love. So they |
| These are women who are and could have been | | | | do not feel alone and confused. |
| good parents. These children were in no | | | | |
| danger of being bump around in foster care | | | | Think of your own children facing an |
| for years. No threat of abuse. If it was not | | | | unplanned pregnancy. Imagine being separated |
| for the happy adoption seduction dance of | | | | from one of your kids. Could you do it? Do |
| coercion, these families would just be. They | | | | you want anyone to feel the pain and grief of |
| would have parented. Maybe they would have | | | | these adoption losses? Do you care about |
| had a few first years of lean times, maybe it | | | | making some real changes in adoption |
| would have been hard, but look at us now? | | | | practices and beliefs so that things are |
| Suz, Jenna, PoorStatue, Barb for example; | | | | better for the next generations to come, our |
| all hard working, goal minded, strong willed | | | | children? Can you put your money and your |
| ladies. I doubt any of us would have sunk to | | | | actions where your mouth is? Yes? Then come |
| child beating, crystal meth, stripping, and | | | | on, let's go. We have work to do. |
| getting beaten by our men just because we had | | | | |
| a baby in tow. In fact, I dare to say that we | | | | YOU CAN HAVE THE GREATEST ADOPTION EXPERIENCE |
| would be more apt not to, because of the need | | | | ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH, AND STILL HELP. |
| to love and provide for our kids. | | | | It's not about you, but it is. You don't have |
| | | | to say what you did was wrong or right, but |
| THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHILD | | | | let's go further now. Let's make it ALL right |
| PROTECTION AND CHILD SURRENDER. Erik Smith | | | | for everyone. |
| said that at the 'o7ACC conference, and I | | | | |
| think it is brilliant. | | | | And that means accepting the bad parts of it, |
| | | | even if you did somehow contribute to it. I |
| Child protection is CPS and state removal for | | | | will not say that makes you a terrible |
| the benefit and welfare of a child. While | | | | person, it means that you have learned and |
| that system does have concerning issues as | | | | grown. We, as a society, as a community, as a |
| well with lots of abuse and corruption, it | | | | people, have to be able to see, recognize and |
| does result in children that need homes. It | | | | call out what is wrong in order to make it |
| is involuntary, it is necessary; it is for | | | | right. If you don't all into the category of |
| the good of the child. | | | | what was wrong then that statement is not |
| | | | about you. Don't make it about you. If the |
| Child surrender is voluntary, it is often not | | | | shoe doesn't fit, I am not forcing it on your |
| really necessary, but made out to be | | | | foot. Just acknowledge that the shoe is |
| beneficial. The real "good" of the child is | | | | there. |
| questionable depending on your personal | | | | |
| interpretation of what is "better". Often | | | | THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT ADOPTION IS HORRIBLY |
| fraught with myths, and misinformation that | | | | RAW, FREQUENTLY UGLY AND OFTEN UNJUST. I know |
| sways the participants to be involved for the | | | | that is hard, I really do. It hurts, it makes |
| benefit of the agency and, often, the desires | | | | us uncomfortable and it makes us question |
| of the paying clients, the perspective | | | | everything we ever thought, everything we |
| adoptive parents. It is finding children to | | | | ever believed, every decision we ever made. |
| fit the needs of the industry which is based | | | | It's hard, but that is the crux of the issue; |
| on transferring the parental rights from one | | | | Adoption is HARD. It's is difficult to |
| party to another for a profit. The rights | | | | navigate for us all. If it was easy, then |
| of the unwed mother and the unwed father's | | | | none of us would be here. We would just do |
| rights cannot be ignored no matter how easy | | | | this one time act: adopt, be born, relinquish |
| it might be to judge them, or worry about the | | | | and never look back. It really would be the |
| future financial burden on the taxpayer's | | | | same as having a baby, being born to one set |
| money. | | | | of parents, or never having a baby, but it |
| | | | doesn't work like that. The adoption industry |
| THERE ARE ENOUGH ADOPTEES WHO SEARCH, WHO ARE | | | | wants us to believe it is the same, they say |
| IN DAMAGED, WHO HURT OR ARE JUST NOT THRILLED | | | | it is, but they are wrong, it's a lifelong |
| THAT THEY ARE ADOPTED THAT WE SHOULD CARE. | | | | process for us all. |
| They might not hate their lives totally or | | | | |
| even at all, but adoption adds a whole bunch | | | | Sometimes, it gets to be too much. It is |
| of baggage to their load that they must | | | | just too darn heavy of a load to carry. It |
| carry. Some had parents that rocked and some | | | | becomes too deep, too convoluted, and our |
| had parents that did harm, mostly though, I | | | | heads and hearts spin. We get freaked out, we |
| bet they had parents that tried their best, | | | | need a break, there is so much to battle, so |
| made mistakes, and loved them lots. The fact | | | | many venues and issues. It wears us all down. |
| is though, that if a child does not need to | | | | People need to recharge and not think about |
| be separated from their original family, then | | | | adoption for a little while; we go back to |
| the great majority of child welfare | | | | denial for a while, pretend to be normal. |
| professionals, from the United Nations to | | | | People say things that get us upset, |
| UNICEF plus many others, agree that children | | | | generalizations are made and we feel on the |
| are best off with kin. It is a person's | | | | defensive, we have to speak up, the |
| birthright to be with family. | | | | negativity gets us down, nothing will ever |
| | | | change. |
| To top it off, many voluntary infant | | | | |
| adoptions in this country never were and | | | | ADOPTION FACTS ARE JUST THAT: FACTS. You |
| still are not necessary. Imagine growing up | | | | cannot change the truth. Adoption will not |
| with the most important and foundation | | | | change if we hide in our holes, in a safe |
| building relationship of your life, aborted | | | | area, and do not test ourselves, push the |
| without logical reason, before you could even | | | | envelope, get discouraged, run away, or bury |
| voice your own opinions. Call it a Primal | | | | our head in the sands. Then in 20, 30, 40 |
| Wound, call it adoptee issues, call it a | | | | years, we will be old and gray, drooling, and |
| matter of adoptee rights, our children had no | | | | our children will be facing the same issues, |
| choice and they had no voice. Now, they do. | | | | writing on blogs and boards trying to make |
| | | | sense of it all. |
| ADOPTED PERSONS ARE DENIED THEIR CIVIL RIGHT | | | | |
| TO HAVE ACCESS TO THE ORIGINAL BIRTH | | | | It's not about what you did or did not do. It |
| CERTIFICATES and are frequently torn and | | | | is not about what I did or did not do. It is |
| caught between two sets of parents who have | | | | not about who is right or who is wrong. It's |
| their own needs and issues. They are not | | | | not about what you knew or didn't know. It's |
| abnormal, or damaged, nor bitter, nor angry, | | | | not about whether you fit that generalization |
| but they are people who we all need to learn | | | | or not. It's not even about what offends and |
| from so that we can do better for the next | | | | hurts you. It's about being able to speak |
| generation. They have the keys to tell us | | | | clearly and make others understand, talk |
| what we need to fix in adoption. | | | | about the truth, the hard stuff, process |
| | | | that, and then improve it. It's about growing |
| There are enough adoptees and natural parents | | | | and changing. It is about understanding. It |
| searching for each other that we cannot | | | | is about seeing my mistakes and yours and |
| humanly deny that it is a primal and | | | | learning how to not make them again. It is |
| necessary urge in many cases. It's not a | | | | about the collective body of knowledge that |
| whim, not a phase, nor a sign if immaturity, | | | | we all must "get". Adoption is too vast, too |
| nor selfishness, nor of poor adoptive | | | | wide of an ocean with too many nuances. We |
| parenting, or anything else might we believe. | | | | only have one life and we cannot all live |
| It is just the truth: adoptees have two sets | | | | though every aspect of it for a total |
| of parents, adoptive and birth parents, and | | | | picture. We have to learn from each other. |
| often a need to know and have relationships | | | | |
| with both. | | | | Every time one of us speaks one iota of truth |
| | | | to someone else, the knowledge of truth |
| WE CANNOT SAY "ADOPTION IS ALWAYS WONDERFUL" | | | | grows. Little by little, one person at a |
| NOR EVEN FOCUS ON ONLY THE POSITIVE AND | | | | time, we can make a difference. The adoption |
| REFUSE TO SEE THE BIRTH MOTHERS GRIEF AND | | | | community can touch each other, we can |
| ADOPTEE LOSS. While there are many happy | | | | support each other. We all grow, we |
| adoption stories, many parents who adore | | | | understand adoption better. As players in |
| their children and children that adore their | | | | the adoption arena, we have a moral |
| parents; there are also enough stories of | | | | obligation to make things better. If not us, |
| adoptees who got bad deals, adoptees who got | | | | those who live it, then who? I challenge |
| good deals but still have enough issues, and | | | | everyone to stretch the boundaries of your |
| relinquishing parents who just totally got | | | | mind and unlearn what you think you know |
| screwed in various degrees. It can be good, | | | | about adoption. Find truth. Speak truth. |
| it can be bad and it can be all the variants | | | | Accept truth. Spread truth. And then think |
| in between. The negative, though, is very bad | | | | what the next step? What can you do to make |
| and threatens all our good. We should all | | | | adoption better? How can, we, as a society, |
| care enough to make it much better for not | | | | not care about fixing adoption as a corrupt |
| just our own needs, not just for our | | | | and antiquated institution? |
| children, but as a legacy of improvement to | | | | |
| leave behind for future generations. | | | | I don't care about how you got by my side, |
| | | | who you are, color, creed, place in the |
| I MAY GENERALIZE AND STATE THAT "ADOPTION IS | | | | triad, age or adoption era; all I care about |
| BAD", BUT I DON'T MEAN YOUR ADOPTION | | | | is if you are at my side or not. We all need |
| NECESSARILY. I still don't need you to tell | | | | to work together, use our collective voice, |
| me how you were above board, super ethical, | | | | and cry out to fix adoption. Face the facts |
| checked out everything, or begged your | | | | about adoption, then you must demand ethical |
| child's mother to seriously look into | | | | reformation. |
| parenting. I don't need to hear about how she | | | | |