| There are some facts about adoption that, really, | | | | look into parenting. I don't need to hear about how |
| you cannot dispute unless you are just trying to | | | | she really IS a crack whore or how she really couldn't |
| purposely to stay ignorant regarding the facts of | | | | manage it, didn't want to parent, had a great agency. |
| infant adoption in this country. | | | | I don't need to know about how sure she was, or |
| Adoption is, in its perfect form, suppose to be about | | | | her reasons for giving you her child. And I don't buy it |
| finding homes for children that need them, not about | | | | when you tell me that she is just fine...really, even if |
| finding children for parents that want them. | | | | she is. Let me talk to her in 18 years when the taste |
| That's the perfect ideal, for the perfect world, | | | | of the Kool-Aid gets all stale and metallic, without you |
| someplace we all know we do not live in. What | | | | there so she could speak freely. Then I might believe |
| seems to be missing are some very important | | | | it, but I don't even need to do that. It's not about |
| adoption facts. That doesn't mean statistics like how | | | | proving that you are horrible person, less of a parent, |
| many children are adopted each year, or examples of | | | | or a baby stealing troll. Really, I don't care all that |
| great gifts for an adopted baby, or even simple | | | | much about what was already DONE. It's over, that's |
| logistics such as where to find an adoption agency in | | | | the past and none of us can change it anyway. |
| Va. I'm talking about the pull your head out of the | | | | IF YOU GAVE YOUR BABY TO ADOPTION and |
| sand, stop listening to heart-warning stories on Oprah, | | | | you're all content and peaceful and still think you |
| and acknowledge some cold hard, adoption facts: | | | | made a great choice for your baby, and you have no |
| THERE IS NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG ABOUT | | | | regrets about adoption...OK. I'm glad for you, I really |
| WANTING TO BE A PARENT, BUT IT CAN BECOME | | | | am. I am happy that you escaped the bullet. I can |
| WRONG DEPENDING ON HOW YOU GO ABOUT | | | | only hope that your child is in complete agreement |
| BECOMING A PARENT. I will never judge anyone for | | | | with you when they can speak for themselves. And |
| wanting to have a child. I would not think less of | | | | if that is not the case, of you ever feel that |
| anyone or negate their parenting if they became | | | | "hmmm...this is not what I expected, this is a bit more |
| parents though adoption. In fact, despite my disgust | | | | than I was warned about" or if that stale and metallic |
| at the system, there are many parents through | | | | taste gets to heavy on your tongue, then I am here |
| adoption who I like as people, trust as friends, work | | | | for you still. I know that deal all too well. And if you |
| with to achieve mutual goals. I would even go so far | | | | are super pissed off and angry and hate adoption |
| as to say that I am understanding when I hear | | | | with every breath of your being, well I get that too |
| someone spout off some absolute blatantly ignorant | | | | and ever stance of conflicting emotions in between. |
| statement; I shrug and think that many of the times | | | | IF YOU ARE ADOPTED and it is all peachy for |
| the perspective adoptive parents haven't even had a | | | | you…..great!! You have only one mother and |
| clue. | | | | father, you have four, and you have six, ok. I cannot |
| It's not like they were trying to be cruel or uncaring. I | | | | tell you how to make your heart beat. Your feelings |
| know that. They were just doing what the industry | | | | are not about me, though I will listen and learn from |
| and professionals told them to do, what was | | | | you so I can understand my son more, but really the |
| "acceptable practices". I blame a system that hides | | | | only one who I need to care about as far as the |
| the real hard truths from all the parties involved. It is | | | | ultimate decree of my motherhood is my kids. If you |
| only afterwards, when we can come together, | | | | want to be angry, I say that you are entitled to your |
| usually then, when the real truths are exposed and | | | | feelings. If you feel abandoned or rejected, all I can |
| fears disassembled, that the "other" side becomes | | | | do is hear you and try to help you understand what |
| real people with real feelings, and do many of us | | | | your own mom might be thinking or have felt, but |
| realize that we played a part in this misuse of an | | | | even then..I can't really speak for her, unless I do |
| emotional crisis. | | | | know her. |
| I KNOW THAT MANY ADOPTIVE PARENTS MIGHT | | | | The past is the past and we can really do nothing to |
| RESIST REALLY LOOKING DEEP INTO THE WAY | | | | change it. We can speak of it, we can document it, |
| THEIR CHILDREN'S ADOPTIONS WERE HANDLED. | | | | we can be truthful about it. That is all I ask: that you |
| They might fight to look into their earlier thoughts | | | | be truthful, to me, to the public, to yourself, to your |
| and often stereotypes. They could, understandably, | | | | children's other parents, to your kids. Just speak the |
| desire to remain ignorant of the losses involved in | | | | truth, even if it is hard, even if it makes you |
| their path to parenthood. They might begin to think | | | | uncomfortable, even if it hurts you inside and makes |
| now, with regret, about some of the practices of | | | | you question yourself. No need to explain or defend |
| their lawyers and other professionals that they | | | | this stuff to anyone, especially of you really are still |
| trusted. I'm not judging that. I know that's how it | | | | trying to explain or defend this stuff to yourself. |
| works. | | | | That is your journey. I got mine. |
| I think it works that way for many parents who | | | | Even if your adoption was perfect, even if it was the |
| surrender as well. Many do not want to look at it | | | | most ethical thing on the face of this earth, even if |
| deeply and fully. It really can hurt emotionally, in a | | | | you saved your child from certain death; it doesn't |
| way that is completely indescribable and words could | | | | matter to me. If you are somehow immune from |
| never do justice. Often, by the time we do allow | | | | being part of the problem, are you willing to be part |
| ourselves to feel deeply regarding the relinquishment | | | | of the solution? |
| of our children, we have years invested in self denial. | | | | I AM STILL GOING TO SAY THINGS THAT MAKE |
| Because it cannot ever be undone and all we can do | | | | YOU UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT ADOPTION. I still |
| is live though the time, mothers and fathers who | | | | want you to think, I want you to know that it goes |
| relinquish their child to adoption have a great | | | | beyond your personal experience, it goes beyond |
| resistiance as well and often, anger, at seeing | | | | mine. I want you to behold such truths to be self |
| adoption in a real light. This is especially true for | | | | evident, that adoption as an industry has a long way |
| newer first mothers who still must function at a level | | | | to go before it reaches that perfect ideal that we all |
| for survival as they work through their grief. | | | | strive for. I want you to care about more than just |
| The very same can be said for the adoptee, | | | | you and your child, but the child of that poor woman |
| especially for the ones who insist that they "never | | | | who looks like she just needs a break with decent |
| think about that I am adopted". From some of the | | | | day care. Or care about that really pissed off angry |
| most honest and real, courageous and brilliant | | | | man who keeps getting a bad deal at work and can't |
| adopted persons I have known; I have had the | | | | get insurance for his family to be or gets crooked |
| honor to learn that many of the feelings that come | | | | out of his parental rights because an industry is |
| from adoption do not always invoke feelings of | | | | running him down. Care about the young girl down |
| gratitude, or contentment, but loss and primal | | | | the block who looks like a kid pushing a doll in a |
| rejection, as well as confusion, anger, many | | | | stroller to school every day with a loaded back pack |
| unanswered questions and often unsatisfactory love. | | | | of books, don't judge her, or him, but remember, we |
| What it comes down to, bottom line; even if an | | | | all could have been in those shoes. Yes, you; if the |
| adoptive parent technically participated in some | | | | stars have aligned differently, if life handed you |
| questionable actions in the past, I don't care. I don't | | | | different cards. I want you to stop and think about |
| care if a posse of card carrying content birthmothers | | | | what it means for a mother, never mind if she is a |
| really thinks relinquishing adoption was the best thing | | | | young mother or a poor mother, as neither can |
| ever for both them and their babies. I don't care | | | | measure love; what it might feel for a mother to lose |
| about how thankful you are that you were adopted. | | | | a life with her own child. I want you to stop and |
| It's not about you, really, but it is. It's not the past I | | | | really think of what you are asking her to do by |
| am concerned about, it's the future. It's not how you | | | | relinquishing her baby. How do you feel when you |
| got here, but what you are willing to do now. Can | | | | hear of a missing child abducted? What emotions do |
| you face the cold, hard facts? | | | | you find OK for a mother to feel at that time? Do |
| ****** | | | | you sympathize with a mother when you hear about |
| ADOPTION IS A 3 BILLION DOLLAR PLUS | | | | a tragic accidental death of her baby? And then |
| INDUSTRY, probably more like double that. This is a | | | | explain to yourself what makes one mother's grief |
| proven fact. An industry analysis of Fertility Clinics | | | | over the loss of a child more worthy of our |
| and Adoption Services by Market Data Enterprises of | | | | understanding than another mother's loss because |
| Tampa, FL, has placed a $1.4 billion value on adoption | | | | adoption was involved? |
| services in the US back in '98 or '99. No other | | | | I want people to realize that even if, on the short |
| government or private agency has bothered since | | | | term, it seems much more logical and sensible for the |
| then. With a projected annual growth rate of 11.5% | | | | too young, or too challenged to give their unplanned |
| to 2004, this makes adoption the largest unregulated | | | | children to those that have planned, waited and |
| industry in the US. Do the math; even if we follow | | | | prayed to be parents; that infant surrender is |
| those conservative projections, because the market | | | | sentencing both mother, child and extended family to |
| has exploded since this last study was done making | | | | a life long altercation, often with unpleasant results. |
| 11.5% is very mild of a percentage, we have a | | | | What is exactly a few years of social support, non |
| number that is in excess of 3 billion dollars by the end | | | | judgment, and maybe assisted day care and housing |
| of 2007. | | | | compared to a life time of unnatural grief? A life time |
| Let's all repeat: NO REGULATIONS PLUS LARGE | | | | of loss or a few lean years and maybe some tax |
| SUMS OF MONEY EQUALS CLIMATE FOR | | | | aided support? What is the greater evil? Trauma for |
| CORRUPTION. That, folks, is human nature. | | | | life or public assistance? |
| ADOPTION LAWS ON THIS COUNTRY ARE | | | | I want you to think about the world we allow to |
| ANTIQUATED AND BASED ON CHILD | | | | happen for our children and their children; is it good |
| DEVELOPMENT AND HUMAN NATURE BELIEFS | | | | enough? Would you want your daughter to have a |
| THAT WE KNOW TO BE WRONG. The amount of | | | | story like mine, or Nic, or Suz? Do you want to have |
| knowledge that we have has changed, but the | | | | a universe, a climate in this country where the |
| legislation has not been updated. Current changes | | | | government spends money on known programs that |
| have been made to benefit the adoption | | | | fail, like abstinence only policies, that spends tax |
| professionals and the industry in general because | | | | dollars on studies to find out who to make adoption |
| they have the money to pay for the lobbyists and | | | | appealing so that they can convince women to |
| the influence. The National Council for Adoption, a | | | | relinquish, that supports and promotes maternity |
| lobby group with a deceiving name and even more | | | | homes like Gladney for political favors, that teaches |
| disturbing game, is paid for by the agencies, pro-life | | | | professionals downright lies such as the infant |
| groups, and federal tax funds and grants to promote | | | | adoption awareness training, that allows corrupt |
| adoption. They like to separate families not protected | | | | influences in your children's schools like Stephanie |
| by money or the Godly union of marriage in favor | | | | Bennett , that has no regulations and no oversight |
| for a legally married heterosexual couples. Consent | | | | and makes your daughters and sons venerable to an |
| times, like in California and Pennsylvania, have been | | | | industry that is above and beyond reproach. |
| reduced, because lawyers and agencies want it and | | | | It's not about what you did; it is about what you can |
| they are the ones speaking out to the politicians. It | | | | do now. |
| makes adoptions and the profits go though the | | | | Are you an adoptive parent, and do I make you |
| system quicker. | | | | angry? Do you care that you got what you wanted? |
| MANY, MANY MOTHERS DID INDEED LOSE THEIR | | | | Is that all adoption is to you, was to you, a way to |
| CHILDREN TO ADOPTION AND SUFFER WHAT CAN | | | | be a parent and now it is done? Then why are you |
| ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A REAL DIAGNOIS OF | | | | here? Why bother; go live your happy life. DO YOU |
| "BIRTHMOTHER GREIF". Whether they were | | | | CARE ABOUT BEING THE BEST PARENT FOR YOU |
| downright forced and given no choice, or if they | | | | CHILD? Which means that adoptive or original parent; |
| were made to believe they had a choice, but still felt | | | | you need to listen to the adoptees and what they |
| they had no other options, or whether they felt they | | | | have to tell us about our own children. It means |
| had options, but were not really given the accurate | | | | making this world, this society, a better place where |
| information regarding long term ramifications of | | | | ALL understand and acknowledge what the adoptees |
| relinquishment for them and for their child. These are | | | | tell us of their feelings so they do not feel they have |
| women who are and could have been good parents. | | | | to perform or lie or keep quiet at their own expense |
| These children were in no danger of being bump | | | | to protect those they love. So they do not feel |
| around in foster care for years. No threat of abuse. | | | | alone and confused. |
| If it was not for the happy adoption seduction dance | | | | Think of your own children facing an unplanned |
| of coercion, these families would just be. They would | | | | pregnancy. Imagine being separated from one of |
| have parented. Maybe they would have had a few | | | | your kids. Could you do it? Do you want anyone to |
| first years of lean times, maybe it would have been | | | | feel the pain and grief of these adoption losses? Do |
| hard, but look at us now? Suz, Jenna, PoorStatue, | | | | you care about making some real changes in adoption |
| Barb for example; all hard working, goal minded, | | | | practices and beliefs so that things are better for the |
| strong willed ladies. I doubt any of us would have | | | | next generations to come, our children? Can you put |
| sunk to child beating, crystal meth, stripping, and | | | | your money and your actions where your mouth is? |
| getting beaten by our men just because we had a | | | | Yes? Then come on, let's go. We have work to do. |
| baby in tow. In fact, I dare to say that we would be | | | | YOU CAN HAVE THE GREATEST ADOPTION |
| more apt not to, because of the need to love and | | | | EXPERIENCE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH, AND |
| provide for our kids. | | | | STILL HELP. It's not about you, but it is. You don't |
| THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHILD | | | | have to say what you did was wrong or right, but |
| PROTECTION AND CHILD SURRENDER. Erik Smith | | | | let's go further now. Let's make it ALL right for |
| said that at the 'o7ACC conference, and I think it is | | | | everyone. |
| brilliant. | | | | And that means accepting the bad parts of it, even |
| Child protection is CPS and state removal for the | | | | if you did somehow contribute to it. I will not say |
| benefit and welfare of a child. While that system | | | | that makes you a terrible person, it means that you |
| does have concerning issues as well with lots of | | | | have learned and grown. We, as a society, as a |
| abuse and corruption, it does result in children that | | | | community, as a people, have to be able to see, |
| need homes. It is involuntary, it is necessary; it is for | | | | recognize and call out what is wrong in order to |
| the good of the child. | | | | make it right. If you don't all into the category of |
| Child surrender is voluntary, it is often not really | | | | what was wrong then that statement is not about |
| necessary, but made out to be beneficial. The real | | | | you. Don't make it about you. If the shoe doesn't fit, |
| "good" of the child is questionable depending on your | | | | I am not forcing it on your foot. Just acknowledge |
| personal interpretation of what is "better". Often | | | | that the shoe is there. |
| fraught with myths, and misinformation that sways | | | | THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT ADOPTION IS HORRIBLY |
| the participants to be involved for the benefit of the | | | | RAW, FREQUENTLY UGLY AND OFTEN UNJUST. I |
| agency and, often, the desires of the paying clients, | | | | know that is hard, I really do. It hurts, it makes us |
| the perspective adoptive parents. It is finding children | | | | uncomfortable and it makes us question everything |
| to fit the needs of the industry which is based on | | | | we ever thought, everything we ever believed, |
| transferring the parental rights from one party to | | | | every decision we ever made. It's hard, but that is |
| another for a profit. The rights of the unwed mother | | | | the crux of the issue; Adoption is HARD. It's is |
| and the unwed father's rights cannot be ignored no | | | | difficult to navigate for us all. If it was easy, then |
| matter how easy it might be to judge them, or | | | | none of us would be here. We would just do this one |
| worry about the future financial burden on the | | | | time act: adopt, be born, relinquish and never look |
| taxpayer's money. | | | | back. It really would be the same as having a baby, |
| THERE ARE ENOUGH ADOPTEES WHO SEARCH, | | | | being born to one set of parents, or never having a |
| WHO ARE IN DAMAGED, WHO HURT OR ARE JUST | | | | baby, but it doesn't work like that. The adoption |
| NOT THRILLED THAT THEY ARE ADOPTED THAT | | | | industry wants us to believe it is the same, they say |
| WE SHOULD CARE. They might not hate their lives | | | | it is, but they are wrong, it's a lifelong process for us |
| totally or even at all, but adoption adds a whole | | | | all. |
| bunch of baggage to their load that they must carry. | | | | Sometimes, it gets to be too much. It is just too |
| Some had parents that rocked and some had | | | | darn heavy of a load to carry. It becomes too deep, |
| parents that did harm, mostly though, I bet they had | | | | too convoluted, and our heads and hearts spin. We |
| parents that tried their best, made mistakes, and | | | | get freaked out, we need a break, there is so much |
| loved them lots. The fact is though, that if a child | | | | to battle, so many venues and issues. It wears us all |
| does not need to be separated from their original | | | | down. People need to recharge and not think about |
| family, then the great majority of child welfare | | | | adoption for a little while; we go back to denial for a |
| professionals, from the United Nations to UNICEF plus | | | | while, pretend to be normal. People say things that |
| many others, agree that children are best off with | | | | get us upset, generalizations are made and we feel |
| kin. It is a person's birthright to be with family. | | | | on the defensive, we have to speak up, the |
| To top it off, many voluntary infant adoptions in this | | | | negativity gets us down, nothing will ever change. |
| country never were and still are not necessary. | | | | ADOPTION FACTS ARE JUST THAT: FACTS. You |
| Imagine growing up with the most important and | | | | cannot change the truth. Adoption will not change if |
| foundation building relationship of your life, aborted | | | | we hide in our holes, in a safe area, and do not test |
| without logical reason, before you could even voice | | | | ourselves, push the envelope, get discouraged, run |
| your own opinions. Call it a Primal Wound, call it | | | | away, or bury our head in the sands. Then in 20, 30, |
| adoptee issues, call it a matter of adoptee rights, our | | | | 40 years, we will be old and gray, drooling, and our |
| children had no choice and they had no voice. Now, | | | | children will be facing the same issues, writing on |
| they do. | | | | blogs and boards trying to make sense of it all. |
| ADOPTED PERSONS ARE DENIED THEIR CIVIL | | | | It's not about what you did or did not do. It is not |
| RIGHT TO HAVE ACCESS TO THE ORIGINAL | | | | about what I did or did not do. It is not about who is |
| BIRTH CERTIFICATES and are frequently torn and | | | | right or who is wrong. It's not about what you knew |
| caught between two sets of parents who have their | | | | or didn't know. It's not about whether you fit that |
| own needs and issues. They are not abnormal, or | | | | generalization or not. It's not even about what |
| damaged, nor bitter, nor angry, but they are people | | | | offends and hurts you. It's about being able to speak |
| who we all need to learn from so that we can do | | | | clearly and make others understand, talk about the |
| better for the next generation. They have the keys | | | | truth, the hard stuff, process that, and then improve |
| to tell us what we need to fix in adoption. | | | | it. It's about growing and changing. It is about |
| There are enough adoptees and natural parents | | | | understanding. It is about seeing my mistakes and |
| searching for each other that we cannot humanly | | | | yours and learning how to not make them again. It is |
| deny that it is a primal and necessary urge in many | | | | about the collective body of knowledge that we all |
| cases. It's not a whim, not a phase, nor a sign if | | | | must "get". Adoption is too vast, too wide of an |
| immaturity, nor selfishness, nor of poor adoptive | | | | ocean with too many nuances. We only have one life |
| parenting, or anything else might we believe. It is just | | | | and we cannot all live though every aspect of it for a |
| the truth: adoptees have two sets of parents, | | | | total picture. We have to learn from each other. |
| adoptive and birth parents, and often a need to | | | | Every time one of us speaks one iota of truth to |
| know and have relationships with both. | | | | someone else, the knowledge of truth grows. Little |
| WE CANNOT SAY "ADOPTION IS ALWAYS | | | | by little, one person at a time, we can make a |
| WONDERFUL" NOR EVEN FOCUS ON ONLY THE | | | | difference. The adoption community can touch each |
| POSITIVE AND REFUSE TO SEE THE BIRTH | | | | other, we can support each other. We all grow, we |
| MOTHERS GRIEF AND ADOPTEE LOSS. While there | | | | understand adoption better. As players in the |
| are many happy adoption stories, many parents who | | | | adoption arena, we have a moral obligation to make |
| adore their children and children that adore their | | | | things better. If not us, those who live it, then who? |
| parents; there are also enough stories of adoptees | | | | I challenge everyone to stretch the boundaries of |
| who got bad deals, adoptees who got good deals | | | | your mind and unlearn what you think you know |
| but still have enough issues, and relinquishing parents | | | | about adoption. Find truth. Speak truth. Accept truth. |
| who just totally got screwed in various degrees. It | | | | Spread truth. And then think what the next step? |
| can be good, it can be bad and it can be all the | | | | What can you do to make adoption better? How |
| variants in between. The negative, though, is very | | | | can, we, as a society, not care about fixing adoption |
| bad and threatens all our good. We should all care | | | | as a corrupt and antiquated institution? |
| enough to make it much better for not just our own | | | | I don't care about how you got by my side, who |
| needs, not just for our children, but as a legacy of | | | | you are, color, creed, place in the triad, age or |
| improvement to leave behind for future generations. | | | | adoption era; all I care about is if you are at my side |
| I MAY GENERALIZE AND STATE THAT "ADOPTION | | | | or not. We all need to work together, use our |
| IS BAD", BUT I DON'T MEAN YOUR ADOPTION | | | | collective voice, and cry out to fix adoption. Face the |
| NECESSARILY. I still don't need you to tell me how | | | | facts about adoption, then you must demand ethical |
| you were above board, super ethical, checked out | | | | reformation. |
| everything, or begged your child's mother to seriously | | | | |