| There are some facts about adoption | | | | giving you her child. And I don't buy it |
| that, really, you cannot dispute unless | | | | when you tell me that she is just |
| you are just trying to purposely to stay | | | | fine...really, even if she is. Let me |
| ignorant regarding the facts of infant | | | | talk to her in 18 years when the taste |
| adoption in this country. | | | | of the Kool-Aid gets all stale and |
| Adoption is, in its perfect form, | | | | metallic, without you there so she could |
| suppose to be about finding homes for | | | | speak freely. Then I might believe it, |
| children that need them, not about | | | | but I don't even need to do that. It's |
| finding children for parents that want | | | | not about proving that you are horrible |
| them. | | | | person, less of a parent, or a baby |
| That's the perfect ideal, for the | | | | stealing troll. Really, I don't care all |
| perfect world, someplace we all know we | | | | that much about what was already DONE. |
| do not live in. What seems to be missing | | | | It's over, that's the past and none of |
| are some very important adoption facts. | | | | us can change it anyway. |
| That doesn't mean statistics like how | | | | IF YOU GAVE YOUR BABY TO ADOPTION and |
| many children are adopted each year, or | | | | you're all content and peaceful and |
| examples of great gifts for an adopted | | | | still think you made a great choice for |
| baby, or even simple logistics such as | | | | your baby, and you have no regrets about |
| where to find an adoption agency in Va. | | | | adoption...OK. I'm glad for you, I |
| I'm talking about the pull your head out | | | | really am. I am happy that you escaped |
| of the sand, stop listening to | | | | the bullet. I can only hope that your |
| heart-warning stories on Oprah, and | | | | child is in complete agreement with you |
| acknowledge some cold hard, adoption | | | | when they can speak for themselves. And |
| facts: | | | | if that is not the case, of you ever |
| THERE IS NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG ABOUT | | | | feel that "hmmm...this is not what I |
| WANTING TO BE A PARENT, BUT IT CAN | | | | expected, this is a bit more than I was |
| BECOME WRONG DEPENDING ON HOW YOU GO | | | | warned about" or if that stale and |
| ABOUT BECOMING A PARENT. I will never | | | | metallic taste gets to heavy on your |
| judge anyone for wanting to have a | | | | tongue, then I am here for you still. I |
| child. I would not think less of anyone | | | | know that deal all too well. And if you |
| or negate their parenting if they became | | | | are super pissed off and angry and hate |
| parents though adoption. In fact, | | | | adoption with every breath of your |
| despite my disgust at the system, there | | | | being, well I get that too and ever |
| are many parents through adoption who I | | | | stance of conflicting emotions in |
| like as people, trust as friends, work | | | | between. |
| with to achieve mutual goals. I would | | | | IF YOU ARE ADOPTED and it is all peachy |
| even go so far as to say that I am | | | | for you…..great!! You have only one |
| understanding when I hear someone spout | | | | mother and father, you have four, and |
| off some absolute blatantly ignorant | | | | you have six, ok. I cannot tell you how |
| statement; I shrug and think that many | | | | to make your heart beat. Your feelings |
| of the times the perspective adoptive | | | | are not about me, though I will listen |
| parents haven't even had a clue. | | | | and learn from you so I can understand |
| It's not like they were trying to be | | | | my son more, but really the only one who |
| cruel or uncaring. I know that. They | | | | I need to care about as far as the |
| were just doing what the industry and | | | | ultimate decree of my motherhood is my |
| professionals told them to do, what was | | | | kids. If you want to be angry, I say |
| "acceptable practices". I blame a system | | | | that you are entitled to your feelings. |
| that hides the real hard truths from all | | | | If you feel abandoned or rejected, all I |
| the parties involved. It is only | | | | can do is hear you and try to help you |
| afterwards, when we can come together, | | | | understand what your own mom might be |
| usually then, when the real truths are | | | | thinking or have felt, but even then..I |
| exposed and fears disassembled, that the | | | | can't really speak for her, unless I do |
| "other" side becomes real people with | | | | know her. |
| real feelings, and do many of us realize | | | | The past is the past and we can really |
| that we played a part in this misuse of | | | | do nothing to change it. We can speak of |
| an emotional crisis. | | | | it, we can document it, we can be |
| I KNOW THAT MANY ADOPTIVE PARENTS MIGHT | | | | truthful about it. That is all I ask: |
| RESIST REALLY LOOKING DEEP INTO THE WAY | | | | that you be truthful, to me, to the |
| THEIR CHILDREN'S ADOPTIONS WERE HANDLED. | | | | public, to yourself, to your children's |
| They might fight to look into their | | | | other parents, to your kids. Just speak |
| earlier thoughts and often stereotypes. | | | | the truth, even if it is hard, even if |
| They could, understandably, desire to | | | | it makes you uncomfortable, even if it |
| remain ignorant of the losses involved | | | | hurts you inside and makes you question |
| in their path to parenthood. They might | | | | yourself. No need to explain or defend |
| begin to think now, with regret, about | | | | this stuff to anyone, especially of you |
| some of the practices of their lawyers | | | | really are still trying to explain or |
| and other professionals that they | | | | defend this stuff to yourself. That is |
| trusted. I'm not judging that. I know | | | | your journey. I got mine. |
| that's how it works. | | | | Even if your adoption was perfect, even |
| I think it works that way for many | | | | if it was the most ethical thing on the |
| parents who surrender as well. Many do | | | | face of this earth, even if you saved |
| not want to look at it deeply and fully. | | | | your child from certain death; it |
| It really can hurt emotionally, in a way | | | | doesn't matter to me. If you are somehow |
| that is completely indescribable and | | | | immune from being part of the problem, |
| words could never do justice. Often, by | | | | are you willing to be part of the |
| the time we do allow ourselves to feel | | | | solution? |
| deeply regarding the relinquishment of | | | | I AM STILL GOING TO SAY THINGS THAT MAKE |
| our children, we have years invested in | | | | YOU UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT ADOPTION. I |
| self denial. Because it cannot ever be | | | | still want you to think, I want you to |
| undone and all we can do is live though | | | | know that it goes beyond your personal |
| the time, mothers and fathers who | | | | experience, it goes beyond mine. I want |
| relinquish their child to adoption have | | | | you to behold such truths to be self |
| a great resistiance as well and often, | | | | evident, that adoption as an industry |
| anger, at seeing adoption in a real | | | | has a long way to go before it reaches |
| light. This is especially true for newer | | | | that perfect ideal that we all strive |
| first mothers who still must function at | | | | for. I want you to care about more than |
| a level for survival as they work | | | | just you and your child, but the child |
| through their grief. | | | | of that poor woman who looks like she |
| The very same can be said for the | | | | just needs a break with decent day care. |
| adoptee, especially for the ones who | | | | Or care about that really pissed off |
| insist that they "never think about that | | | | angry man who keeps getting a bad deal |
| I am adopted". From some of the most | | | | at work and can't get insurance for his |
| honest and real, courageous and | | | | family to be or gets crooked out of his |
| brilliant adopted persons I have known; | | | | parental rights because an industry is |
| I have had the honor to learn that many | | | | running him down. Care about the young |
| of the feelings that come from adoption | | | | girl down the block who looks like a kid |
| do not always invoke feelings of | | | | pushing a doll in a stroller to school |
| gratitude, or contentment, but loss and | | | | every day with a loaded back pack of |
| primal rejection, as well as confusion, | | | | books, don't judge her, or him, but |
| anger, many unanswered questions and | | | | remember, we all could have been in |
| often unsatisfactory love. | | | | those shoes. Yes, you; if the stars have |
| What it comes down to, bottom line; even | | | | aligned differently, if life handed you |
| if an adoptive parent technically | | | | different cards. I want you to stop |
| participated in some questionable | | | | and think about what it means for a |
| actions in the past, I don't care. I | | | | mother, never mind if she is a young |
| don't care if a posse of card carrying | | | | mother or a poor mother, as neither can |
| content birthmothers really thinks | | | | measure love; what it might feel for a |
| relinquishing adoption was the best | | | | mother to lose a life with her own |
| thing ever for both them and their | | | | child. I want you to stop and really |
| babies. I don't care about how thankful | | | | think of what you are asking her to do |
| you are that you were adopted. It's | | | | by relinquishing her baby. How do you |
| not about you, really, but it is. It's | | | | feel when you hear of a missing child |
| not the past I am concerned about, it's | | | | abducted? What emotions do you find OK |
| the future. It's not how you got here, | | | | for a mother to feel at that time? Do |
| but what you are willing to do now. Can | | | | you sympathize with a mother when you |
| you face the cold, hard facts? | | | | hear about a tragic accidental death of |
| ****** | | | | her baby? And then explain to yourself |
| ADOPTION IS A 3 BILLION DOLLAR PLUS | | | | what makes one mother's grief over the |
| INDUSTRY, probably more like double | | | | loss of a child more worthy of our |
| that. This is a proven fact. An industry | | | | understanding than another mother's loss |
| analysis of Fertility Clinics and | | | | because adoption was involved? |
| Adoption Services by Market Data | | | | I want people to realize that even if, |
| Enterprises of Tampa, FL, has placed a | | | | on the short term, it seems much more |
| $1.4 billion value on adoption services | | | | logical and sensible for the too young, |
| in the US back in '98 or '99. No other | | | | or too challenged to give their |
| government or private agency has | | | | unplanned children to those that have |
| bothered since then. With a projected | | | | planned, waited and prayed to be |
| annual growth rate of 11.5% to 2004, | | | | parents; that infant surrender is |
| this makes adoption the largest | | | | sentencing both mother, child and |
| unregulated industry in the US. Do the | | | | extended family to a life long |
| math; even if we follow those | | | | altercation, often with unpleasant |
| conservative projections, because the | | | | results. What is exactly a few years of |
| market has exploded since this last | | | | social support, non judgment, and maybe |
| study was done making 11.5% is very mild | | | | assisted day care and housing compared |
| of a percentage, we have a number that | | | | to a life time of unnatural grief? A |
| is in excess of 3 billion dollars by the | | | | life time of loss or a few lean years |
| end of 2007. | | | | and maybe some tax aided support? What |
| Let's all repeat: NO REGULATIONS PLUS | | | | is the greater evil? Trauma for life or |
| LARGE SUMS OF MONEY EQUALS CLIMATE FOR | | | | public assistance? |
| CORRUPTION. That, folks, is human | | | | I want you to think about the world we |
| nature. | | | | allow to happen for our children and |
| ADOPTION LAWS ON THIS COUNTRY ARE | | | | their children; is it good enough? Would |
| ANTIQUATED AND BASED ON CHILD | | | | you want your daughter to have a story |
| DEVELOPMENT AND HUMAN NATURE BELIEFS | | | | like mine, or Nic, or Suz? Do you want |
| THAT WE KNOW TO BE WRONG. The amount of | | | | to have a universe, a climate in this |
| knowledge that we have has changed, but | | | | country where the government spends |
| the legislation has not been updated. | | | | money on known programs that fail, like |
| Current changes have been made to | | | | abstinence only policies, that spends |
| benefit the adoption professionals and | | | | tax dollars on studies to find out who |
| the industry in general because they | | | | to make adoption appealing so that they |
| have the money to pay for the lobbyists | | | | can convince women to relinquish, that |
| and the influence. The National | | | | supports and promotes maternity homes |
| Council for Adoption, a lobby group with | | | | like Gladney for political favors, that |
| a deceiving name and even more | | | | teaches professionals downright lies |
| disturbing game, is paid for by the | | | | such as the infant adoption awareness |
| agencies, pro-life groups, and federal | | | | training, that allows corrupt influences |
| tax funds and grants to promote | | | | in your children's schools like |
| adoption. They like to separate | | | | Stephanie Bennett , that has no |
| families not protected by money or the | | | | regulations and no oversight and makes |
| Godly union of marriage in favor for a | | | | your daughters and sons venerable to an |
| legally married heterosexual couples. | | | | industry that is above and beyond |
| Consent times, like in California and | | | | reproach. |
| Pennsylvania, have been reduced, because | | | | It's not about what you did; it is about |
| lawyers and agencies want it and they | | | | what you can do now. |
| are the ones speaking out to the | | | | Are you an adoptive parent, and do I |
| politicians. It makes adoptions and the | | | | make you angry? Do you care that you got |
| profits go though the system quicker. | | | | what you wanted? Is that all adoption is |
| MANY, MANY MOTHERS DID INDEED LOSE THEIR | | | | to you, was to you, a way to be a parent |
| CHILDREN TO ADOPTION AND SUFFER WHAT CAN | | | | and now it is done? Then why are you |
| ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A REAL DIAGNOIS OF | | | | here? Why bother; go live your happy |
| "BIRTHMOTHER GREIF". Whether they were | | | | life. DO YOU CARE ABOUT BEING THE |
| downright forced and given no choice, or | | | | BEST PARENT FOR YOU CHILD? Which means |
| if they were made to believe they had a | | | | that adoptive or original parent; you |
| choice, but still felt they had no other | | | | need to listen to the adoptees and what |
| options, or whether they felt they had | | | | they have to tell us about our own |
| options, but were not really given the | | | | children. It means making this world, |
| accurate information regarding long term | | | | this society, a better place where ALL |
| ramifications of relinquishment for them | | | | understand and acknowledge what the |
| and for their child. These are women who | | | | adoptees tell us of their feelings so |
| are and could have been good parents. | | | | they do not feel they have to perform or |
| These children were in no danger of | | | | lie or keep quiet at their own expense |
| being bump around in foster care for | | | | to protect those they love. So they do |
| years. No threat of abuse. If it was not | | | | not feel alone and confused. |
| for the happy adoption seduction dance | | | | Think of your own children facing an |
| of coercion, these families would just | | | | unplanned pregnancy. Imagine being |
| be. They would have parented. Maybe they | | | | separated from one of your kids. Could |
| would have had a few first years of lean | | | | you do it? Do you want anyone to feel |
| times, maybe it would have been hard, | | | | the pain and grief of these adoption |
| but look at us now? Suz, Jenna, | | | | losses? Do you care about making some |
| PoorStatue, Barb for example; all | | | | real changes in adoption practices and |
| hard working, goal minded, strong willed | | | | beliefs so that things are better for |
| ladies. I doubt any of us would have | | | | the next generations to come, our |
| sunk to child beating, crystal meth, | | | | children? Can you put your money and |
| stripping, and getting beaten by our men | | | | your actions where your mouth is? Yes? |
| just because we had a baby in tow. In | | | | Then come on, let's go. We have work to |
| fact, I dare to say that we would be | | | | do. |
| more apt not to, because of the need to | | | | YOU CAN HAVE THE GREATEST ADOPTION |
| love and provide for our kids. | | | | EXPERIENCE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH, AND |
| THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHILD | | | | STILL HELP. It's not about you, but it |
| PROTECTION AND CHILD SURRENDER. Erik | | | | is. You don't have to say what you did |
| Smith said that at the 'o7ACC | | | | was wrong or right, but let's go further |
| conference, and I think it is brilliant. | | | | now. Let's make it ALL right for |
| Child protection is CPS and state | | | | everyone. |
| removal for the benefit and welfare of a | | | | And that means accepting the bad parts |
| child. While that system does have | | | | of it, even if you did somehow |
| concerning issues as well with lots of | | | | contribute to it. I will not say that |
| abuse and corruption, it does result in | | | | makes you a terrible person, it means |
| children that need homes. It is | | | | that you have learned and grown. We, as |
| involuntary, it is necessary; it is for | | | | a society, as a community, as a people, |
| the good of the child. | | | | have to be able to see, recognize and |
| Child surrender is voluntary, it is | | | | call out what is wrong in order to make |
| often not really necessary, but made out | | | | it right. If you don't all into the |
| to be beneficial. The real "good" of the | | | | category of what was wrong then that |
| child is questionable depending on your | | | | statement is not about you. Don't make |
| personal interpretation of what is | | | | it about you. If the shoe doesn't fit, I |
| "better". Often fraught with myths, and | | | | am not forcing it on your foot. Just |
| misinformation that sways the | | | | acknowledge that the shoe is there. |
| participants to be involved for the | | | | THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT ADOPTION IS |
| benefit of the agency and, often, the | | | | HORRIBLY RAW, FREQUENTLY UGLY AND OFTEN |
| desires of the paying clients, the | | | | UNJUST. I know that is hard, I really |
| perspective adoptive parents. It is | | | | do. It hurts, it makes us uncomfortable |
| finding children to fit the needs of the | | | | and it makes us question everything we |
| industry which is based on transferring | | | | ever thought, everything we ever |
| the parental rights from one party to | | | | believed, every decision we ever made. |
| another for a profit. The rights of | | | | It's hard, but that is the crux of the |
| the unwed mother and the unwed father's | | | | issue; Adoption is HARD. It's is |
| rights cannot be ignored no matter how | | | | difficult to navigate for us all. If it |
| easy it might be to judge them, or worry | | | | was easy, then none of us would be here. |
| about the future financial burden on the | | | | We would just do this one time act: |
| taxpayer's money. | | | | adopt, be born, relinquish and never |
| THERE ARE ENOUGH ADOPTEES WHO SEARCH, | | | | look back. It really would be the same |
| WHO ARE IN DAMAGED, WHO HURT OR ARE JUST | | | | as having a baby, being born to one set |
| NOT THRILLED THAT THEY ARE ADOPTED THAT | | | | of parents, or never having a baby, but |
| WE SHOULD CARE. They might not hate | | | | it doesn't work like that. The adoption |
| their lives totally or even at all, but | | | | industry wants us to believe it is the |
| adoption adds a whole bunch of baggage | | | | same, they say it is, but they are |
| to their load that they must carry. Some | | | | wrong, it's a lifelong process for us |
| had parents that rocked and some had | | | | all. |
| parents that did harm, mostly though, I | | | | Sometimes, it gets to be too much. It |
| bet they had parents that tried their | | | | is just too darn heavy of a load to |
| best, made mistakes, and loved them | | | | carry. It becomes too deep, too |
| lots. The fact is though, that if a | | | | convoluted, and our heads and hearts |
| child does not need to be separated from | | | | spin. We get freaked out, we need a |
| their original family, then the great | | | | break, there is so much to battle, so |
| majority of child welfare professionals, | | | | many venues and issues. It wears us all |
| from the United Nations to UNICEF plus | | | | down. People need to recharge and not |
| many others, agree that children are | | | | think about adoption for a little while; |
| best off with kin. It is a person's | | | | we go back to denial for a while, |
| birthright to be with family. | | | | pretend to be normal. People say things |
| To top it off, many voluntary infant | | | | that get us upset, generalizations are |
| adoptions in this country never were and | | | | made and we feel on the defensive, we |
| still are not necessary. Imagine growing | | | | have to speak up, the negativity gets us |
| up with the most important and | | | | down, nothing will ever change. |
| foundation building relationship of your | | | | ADOPTION FACTS ARE JUST THAT: FACTS. You |
| life, aborted without logical reason, | | | | cannot change the truth. Adoption will |
| before you could even voice your own | | | | not change if we hide in our holes, in a |
| opinions. Call it a Primal Wound, call | | | | safe area, and do not test ourselves, |
| it adoptee issues, call it a matter of | | | | push the envelope, get discouraged, run |
| adoptee rights, our children had no | | | | away, or bury our head in the sands. |
| choice and they had no voice. Now, they | | | | Then in 20, 30, 40 years, we will be old |
| do. | | | | and gray, drooling, and our children |
| ADOPTED PERSONS ARE DENIED THEIR CIVIL | | | | will be facing the same issues, writing |
| RIGHT TO HAVE ACCESS TO THE ORIGINAL | | | | on blogs and boards trying to make sense |
| BIRTH CERTIFICATES and are frequently | | | | of it all. |
| torn and caught between two sets of | | | | It's not about what you did or did not |
| parents who have their own needs and | | | | do. It is not about what I did or did |
| issues. They are not abnormal, or | | | | not do. It is not about who is right or |
| damaged, nor bitter, nor angry, but they | | | | who is wrong. It's not about what you |
| are people who we all need to learn from | | | | knew or didn't know. It's not about |
| so that we can do better for the next | | | | whether you fit that generalization or |
| generation. They have the keys to tell | | | | not. It's not even about what offends |
| us what we need to fix in adoption. | | | | and hurts you. It's about being able to |
| There are enough adoptees and natural | | | | speak clearly and make others |
| parents searching for each other that we | | | | understand, talk about the truth, the |
| cannot humanly deny that it is a primal | | | | hard stuff, process that, and then |
| and necessary urge in many cases. It's | | | | improve it. It's about growing and |
| not a whim, not a phase, nor a sign if | | | | changing. It is about understanding. It |
| immaturity, nor selfishness, nor of poor | | | | is about seeing my mistakes and yours |
| adoptive parenting, or anything else | | | | and learning how to not make them again. |
| might we believe. It is just the truth: | | | | It is about the collective body of |
| adoptees have two sets of parents, | | | | knowledge that we all must "get". |
| adoptive and birth parents, and often a | | | | Adoption is too vast, too wide of an |
| need to know and have relationships with | | | | ocean with too many nuances. We only |
| both. | | | | have one life and we cannot all live |
| WE CANNOT SAY "ADOPTION IS ALWAYS | | | | though every aspect of it for a total |
| WONDERFUL" NOR EVEN FOCUS ON ONLY THE | | | | picture. We have to learn from each |
| POSITIVE AND REFUSE TO SEE THE BIRTH | | | | other. |
| MOTHERS GRIEF AND ADOPTEE LOSS. While | | | | Every time one of us speaks one iota of |
| there are many happy adoption stories, | | | | truth to someone else, the knowledge of |
| many parents who adore their children | | | | truth grows. Little by little, one |
| and children that adore their parents; | | | | person at a time, we can make a |
| there are also enough stories of | | | | difference. The adoption community can |
| adoptees who got bad deals, adoptees who | | | | touch each other, we can support each |
| got good deals but still have enough | | | | other. We all grow, we understand |
| issues, and relinquishing parents who | | | | adoption better. As players in the |
| just totally got screwed in various | | | | adoption arena, we have a moral |
| degrees. It can be good, it can be bad | | | | obligation to make things better. If not |
| and it can be all the variants in | | | | us, those who live it, then who? I |
| between. The negative, though, is very | | | | challenge everyone to stretch the |
| bad and threatens all our good. We | | | | boundaries of your mind and unlearn what |
| should all care enough to make it much | | | | you think you know about adoption. Find |
| better for not just our own needs, not | | | | truth. Speak truth. Accept truth. Spread |
| just for our children, but as a legacy | | | | truth. And then think what the next |
| of improvement to leave behind for | | | | step? What can you do to make adoption |
| future generations. | | | | better? How can, we, as a society, not |
| I MAY GENERALIZE AND STATE THAT | | | | care about fixing adoption as a corrupt |
| "ADOPTION IS BAD", BUT I DON'T MEAN YOUR | | | | and antiquated institution? |
| ADOPTION NECESSARILY. I still don't need | | | | I don't care about how you got by my |
| you to tell me how you were above board, | | | | side, who you are, color, creed, place |
| super ethical, checked out everything, | | | | in the triad, age or adoption era; all I |
| or begged your child's mother to | | | | care about is if you are at my side or |
| seriously look into parenting. I don't | | | | not. We all need to work together, use |
| need to hear about how she really IS a | | | | our collective voice, and cry out to fix |
| crack whore or how she really couldn't | | | | adoption. Face the facts about adoption, |
| manage it, didn't want to parent, had a | | | | then you must demand ethical |
| great agency. I don't need to know about | | | | reformation. |
| how sure she was, or her reasons for | | | | |