| We hear a lot of conversation about setting | | | | dynamic. If we criticize and demean ourselves or |
| boundaries and how we learn about them as we | | | | others, we participate in devaluing our worth and |
| grow up. Sometimes it makes sense and other times | | | | theirs. Our self talk makes a big difference in our |
| can be quite confusing. It helps to have some | | | | peace of mind and our ability to get along with |
| specifics about what it all means. Internal boundaries | | | | others. It is helpful to listen to the internal voice and |
| involve listening and talking while external boundaries | | | | change the words we hear to words of appreciation |
| involve touch and personal space. | | | | and respect, encouragement and patience. As we do |
| Internal boundary violations include indicating by word | | | | this for ourselves, it becomes easier to do it for |
| or deed that another person is worth less, yelling or | | | | others. |
| screaming, ridiculing or making fun of another, lying, | | | | In relationships boundaries show up as esteem issues, |
| breaking a commitment for no reason, attempting to | | | | clinging or avoiding behaviors, dishonesty, |
| control or manipulate another, being sarcastic, and | | | | interdependence problems, and emotional maturity |
| interrupting. | | | | problems. These all indicate disparity in boundary |
| External boundary violations include not having | | | | setting while growing up. Parents do not intentionally |
| another's permission for the following: standing in his | | | | cause harm, but can be too little or too much |
| her space, touching, getting into his/her belongings | | | | involved with their children. When we as parents |
| and living space (purse, wallet, mail, closet, etc.), and | | | | depend on children for our needs, we set up |
| listening to his/her personal conversation. Not allowing | | | | enmeshment. When we are not available, we set up |
| a person to have privacy or violating a person's right | | | | abandonment. Nurturing our children well leads to their |
| to privacy, exposing others to contagious disease, | | | | health and well being. It provides both good internal |
| and smoking around nonsmokers in a nonsmoking | | | | self talk and appropriate boundary setting. |
| area are also external boundary offenses. | | | | A wounded child will feel less than others, have loose |
| With healthy boundary setting we let others know | | | | boundaries, be bad or rebellious or too dependent or |
| how close they can stand and whether or not our | | | | immature or have no self control. The adult as a |
| property can be touched. We are respectful of | | | | wounded child will feel better than others, will be too |
| others' private space and do not touch without | | | | rigid, try to be too good or perfect, or will be too |
| permission. We sort through what others are saying | | | | independent and not let themselves need or want, |
| and feeling and only take in and have feelings about | | | | and be super mature or controlling. |
| the truth as we see it. We also speak clearly in a | | | | In spite of our past experiences, we can be aware |
| tactful and diplomatic manner and release emotions | | | | of how we function and make changes. In order to |
| with moderation. | | | | be aware, we also have to have some knowledge of |
| We teach people how to treat us by letting them | | | | the normal range of boundary setting. If we did not |
| know what our boundaries are and by honoring their | | | | have good models, we can find them and we can |
| boundaries as well. If we are not taught how to do | | | | work with a therapist or coach to learn how to do |
| this at home, it creates relationship problems later in | | | | things differently. |
| life. Our internal self talk is a component of this | | | | |