| Recently, an adoptive father asked me for | | | | that his daughter would not trust him for a long, long |
| suggestions on how he could develop a trust based | | | | time, probably not until she was well into adulthood. |
| relationship with his seven year old daughter, adopted | | | | Why should she? Her earliest and most formative |
| internationally from an orphanage two years | | | | years were focused on learning how to survive |
| previously. | | | | alone, with no one trust but herself. Then, all of a |
| "Its quite a problem," he said earnestly," because no | | | | sudden, she lands in a place so different that it might |
| matter how hard I try, she holds herself back. She | | | | as well be another planet. And in this foreign place |
| has to triple check everything, and she's continuously | | | | she is given to nice, but very strange, people who |
| asking me the same questions over and over." | | | | proclaim themselves as her mommy and daddy (and |
| "What kind of questions?" | | | | expect her to fully understand what those terms |
| He thought a moment, "Routine things, like will my | | | | mean to them), and who want from her all kinds of |
| wife pick her up after school. I can tell you, my wife | | | | things she had never imagined existed. For example, |
| picks her up every day, has the whole two years. | | | | they want her to act like a part of the family before |
| And when she goes to bed at night, she asks ten | | | | she can understand what a family is, they want to |
| times if she asks once, if I'll check on her after she's | | | | play with her before she learns what toys are for, |
| asleep. And even after all this time, she still hoards | | | | they want her to keep her bedroom clean before |
| food under her pillow and steals little things from my | | | | she knows what the little room behind the doors is |
| wife." | | | | (a closet, actually), they want to cuddle her for no |
| "I'm curious, why do you think she should trust you?" | | | | reason whatsoever, and .... they want her to pretend |
| I asked. | | | | that her past never happened, that nothing ever |
| He stared at me as if I had suddenly sprouted horns | | | | changes, that good things never disappear without |
| (ask my teens, they'll tell you I don't need to grow | | | | warning or reason, and that all she learned about |
| any. I already have a set hidden under my bangs). | | | | surviving is never, ever going to be needed again. |
| "Well, she should trust me because I'm her father | | | | I can tell you, as I told that well meaning dad, this is |
| and I've shown her I'm a good one, ..." he hesitated. | | | | way too much for one little girl to learn in two short |
| "I mean, we're her parents forever now, and we tell | | | | years. My advice to him was to back off. Stick with |
| her that all the time. We're doing everything we can, | | | | the cuddles, keep playing with her, and helping her, |
| but if she could just trust us, it would be way easier | | | | and teaching her, but let her keep her defenses while |
| to get along." | | | | she learns the survival rules of this new life. I also had |
| "Okay," I replied, "let me put this another way - what | | | | to tell him that they were never going to be a "real |
| will change if she trusts you?" | | | | family" in the way he meant it - that is - one which |
| "I thought I just answered that question," his voice | | | | existed without a history of loss and abandonment, |
| was calm, even though his face was getting a bit | | | | and without a child whose well developed sense of |
| flushed and his eyes were narrowing. I wondered if | | | | being alone was so strong it chewed up trust like a |
| that's how he looked to his daughter the ninth time | | | | black hole eats stars. |
| she asked him to check on her. "We'd be more like a | | | | I also told him that they can still be a "real" adoptive |
| real family, the affection would be more natural, she'd | | | | family. They can give her birthday parties, they can |
| be able to give me a spontaneous hug once in a | | | | teach her how to make friends, they can coach her |
| while, she'd stop stealing and hoarding." | | | | soccer team and take her to dancing lessons, they |
| He was on a roll now, but I interrupted. "Does she | | | | can cuddle her at night while they read to her, they |
| hug you at all?" I asked. | | | | can brag about her accomplishments to friends, and |
| "Well, yes, but my wife or I always have to initiate it. | | | | when enough years have passed that they have had |
| Look, I just want some suggestions for building | | | | the time it takes to fill her with stars, they will have |
| trust!" He really was a patient man, I could tell that | | | | earned her trust. Because that is how it happens - |
| by the way he knotted his hands at his sides instead | | | | parents don't build trust with their children, they earn |
| of yelling at me. | | | | it by caring, by giving affection, by honesty, by being |
| To make a long story short enough to fit the allotted | | | | reliable, by providing safe discipline, and most of all, |
| space - what I finally explained to this caring dad was | | | | by simply being there for a long, long, time. |