| Our hearts melted into one another's in instant | | | | During the search for my daughter, I was required on |
| recognition during that first hug. Two bodies reunited | | | | numerous occasions to recall those difficult |
| after 36 years...two spirits that had never been | | | | circumstances surrounding her birth, and it was all I |
| separated. The gap of time was instantly filled during | | | | could do to keep from passing out. As I unleashed |
| that one moment of reunion. The bond of mother | | | | one tidal wave after another of suppressed feelings, |
| and daughter can never be broken. Only shame, guilt | | | | I was constantly on the verge of emotional |
| and remorse fed the fire of apparent separation. | | | | overwhelm. What kept me going was my deep, deep |
| Only forgiveness would dowse the flames and | | | | desire to find my daughter, to tell her how much I |
| complete the circle of love. | | | | loved her, to share with her that she was conceived |
| Thirty-six years before, I had given birth to my first | | | | in love, and to complete the circle that began with |
| daughter and then released her for adoption. | | | | her birth. |
| Suffering from a heart broken by the decision to | | | | And so I searched...and I prayed...and I began to |
| honor my parents' wishes that I not marry my first | | | | forgive. As I progressed through the classes in |
| love, I emerged from being an "unwed mother" with | | | | spirituality that were preparing me to be a spiritual |
| emotional scars so great that my only defense was | | | | counselor and prayer practitioner, I came to realize |
| to bury them deeply, pick up my life as though | | | | that without forgiveness I would be unable to free |
| nothing had happened, and go on. So successful was | | | | myself from the maze of negative self-judgment |
| my denial of the gaping hole in my heart that, as the | | | | which I had allowed to tarnish the beauty of the birth |
| years passed, I could not even remember my child's | | | | of my daughter. I understood that if I were to |
| birth date. | | | | welcome her with true open arms now, I had to find |
| How was it possible then, some 30 years, four | | | | the good in my being her birth mother. I knew that |
| children and two marriages later, that I could find | | | | the healing miracle I so dearly sought was possible |
| myself in a class of spiritual counseling students that | | | | only when I released my guilt, shame and blame |
| had six other women who shared the same closely | | | | about the circumstances surrounding her coming into |
| held past that I did? We were all birth mothers. Our | | | | this world. |
| secret became our magnet, and we began to meet | | | | "Seventy times seven." Jesus admonishes us that this |
| and vision a ministry at our church that could | | | | is how often we need to forgive in order to be free |
| prayerfully support all people who are affected by | | | | -- in other words, as often as it takes. I was well on |
| adoption: adoptees, birthparents and adoptive | | | | my way to completing my forgiveness of the other |
| parents. It was a noble idea, and one that would | | | | actors in my drama -- my parents, my first love, my |
| require that we do our own healing work in order to | | | | church, my society. Now it was time to forgive |
| be available to others. | | | | myself. I had held myself on the cross of self-blame |
| And so we began the excruciating journey of | | | | and shame for so long that I wasn't sure how to let |
| dredging up our pain. We individually faced our own | | | | myself off. |
| demons -- guilt, shame, blame, anger and | | | | I began by feeling great compassion for the |
| self-recrimination -- at whatever pace we felt capable | | | | teenager I was who was so in love and so |
| of moving, and collectively we prayed for one | | | | passionate about life, and who only wanted to |
| another and all those whose pain we share. We | | | | experience and express that love in any way she |
| created the Adoption Triad Ministry at The Agape | | | | knew how. I listened to that 19-year-old's pain of |
| Center of Truth in Los Angeles and invited people | | | | profound loss and of feeling that she did not belong. |
| touched by adoption to come and tell their stories | | | | That pain had been so severe that she had |
| and join in prayer each month. We opened the way | | | | essentially shut herself off from trusting her own |
| to allow each member of the triad -- adoptee, | | | | beautiful heart. I listened to her, consoled her, told |
| adoptive parent and birth parent -- to dialog with the | | | | her how much I loved her and that I would not let |
| other, seeking an understanding of the unique | | | | that kind of pain happen to her again. The I AM of |
| emotional issues that each carries. And some of us | | | | me (my God Self) forgave her for any belief she |
| searched to find our child and/or parent. My decision | | | | held about being a "bad girl," a "sinner," an |
| to try to find my daughter opened up my personal | | | | "undesirable good-for-nothing," and a "cause of pain |
| Pandora's box. | | | | to others." |
| It was in that atmosphere of prayer and spiritual | | | | The months -- and yes, years -- that I have spent |
| guidance that I felt safe enough to face my own | | | | forgiving the layers of self-recrimination and loathing I |
| walls of defense and denial and try to bring them | | | | felt for myself have truly unburdened me. Freeing |
| down. The process was agonizing. Not only was I | | | | myself from the shackles of that seemingly |
| delving into the shame and pain I had caused my | | | | unforgivable and unforgiving past has truly given me |
| parents and siblings by becoming a pregnant | | | | a new life. The attitude I now hold toward myself, |
| teenager, I was allowing to surface the hatred I held | | | | my family, my first love and my pregnancy is only |
| for myself for not having fought for what I | | | | gratitude, gratitude for one of the greatest growth |
| wanted...my mate and my baby. What I was inviting | | | | experiences of my life. By coming to terms with my |
| into conscious awareness - and ultimately acceptance | | | | past, the gift of compassion was ignited in me -- a |
| - were the shame and guilt of having sinned, | | | | gift I can and do readily share with all those I teach |
| according to the church of my childhood as well as | | | | and counsel. The miracle experienced from my |
| the mores of society in 1961. I was admitting that I | | | | commitment to forgiveness is the profound love I |
| was filled with rage at my parents for interrupting | | | | share with my first-born daughter, a love activated |
| my fantasy to have the perfect family, and at my | | | | the moment we hugged that has continued to enrich |
| boyfriend for not having fought harder to save me | | | | my life ever since. |
| from this torturous sentence of a banished offender. | | | | |