| Step-parents often experience rejection and anger | | | | the child into better behavior or mood by giving them |
| from the step-child in the teenage years. After giving | | | | things, by letting them do whatever they want, nor |
| so much loving care over the years, it can be more | | | | by looking the other way when they step out of line. |
| than a parent can bear when the child seemingly | | | | However, for the parent, such behavior is out of line |
| turns against them in the teen years. | | | | and will ultimately lead to deeper issues for the child |
| So, let me try to briefly explain how this can happen | | | | and the parent. |
| with step-children and even with adopted children. | | | | The goal for any parent, step-parent or not, is simply |
| The most simplistic way to explain this complicated | | | | this: to lead a child to embrace their Maker, to |
| issue is through my own love of a certain kind of | | | | develop civil behavior and to teach the child to |
| candy, Peanut M&M's. Whenever and wherever | | | | survive and thrive in the world. Those standards are |
| I travel or speak, I always like to have Peanut | | | | not always supported by a parent whose primary |
| M&M's nearby. Sometimes I've run into a | | | | goal is to keep their children happy all the time. |
| situation, however, when a similar candy, Skittles, are | | | | The best approach to take is to maintain your proper |
| the only thing available. They are similar in | | | | parental role, recognizing what you can and cannot |
| appearance, but they aren't the same. In fact, they | | | | change for your teenager. For instance, you can't |
| actually only serve to remind me of what I could be | | | | change her feelings of loss, or the past decisions that |
| enjoying with Peanut M&M's. | | | | affect her today. You can't change the facts of her |
| You may ask, what do Peanut M&M's have to | | | | current circumstances. You can't change what may |
| do with anything? Well, let's apply this silly analogy to | | | | have happened outside of the realm of your control. |
| your step-daughter. Let's say she also loves Peanut | | | | It makes no sense to demand a step-child to stop |
| M&M's. In fact, they are her favorite candy. She | | | | feeling the way she does, or to constantly emphasize |
| gotten accustomed to having them nearby. She | | | | all you have done for her. Instead, if things are |
| loves them and shares them with others, and likes | | | | becoming difficult, find a good counselor to help her |
| knowing they are always available. Then, suddenly, | | | | work through her loss. Eventually that will change the |
| her Peanut M&M's are taken away and replaced | | | | way she thinks and behaves. I'm not saying it will be |
| with Skittles, another similar candy. | | | | easy but taking this approach allows you continue to |
| In this analogy, step-parents are like Skittles. The | | | | deal with behavioral issues by enforcing rules and |
| step-parent is a replacement for something your | | | | applying consequences, while a counselor deals with |
| daughter longs for and loves ( her biological parent). | | | | the emotional issues. |
| Now, there is nothing wrong with Skittles. In fact, | | | | Even though your teen may be going through some |
| Skittles are a wonderful candy, just like you are | | | | internal issues, she should not be allowed to step |
| surely a wonderful parent to her. They are not, | | | | over boundaries of respect and break your household |
| however, what she longs for, maybe without even | | | | rules. Boundaries in step-families can actually |
| knowing it. | | | | encourage openness, but in a respectful and |
| The point is this -- it doesn't matter that you have | | | | self-controlled way. |
| been a loving parent to her for many years. She still | | | | Step-parents should acknowledge the fact that their |
| longs for her missing parent, or her perception of the | | | | teen is dealing with a sense of loss or abandonment, |
| way things used to be. She longs for her family to | | | | but that shouldn't be a reason for backing off their |
| look like other families, or to have both parents | | | | parental role or becoming a whipping post. Letting the |
| together. She may even incorrectly believe that her | | | | step-child know that she doesn't have the freedom |
| life would be happy and free of problems if things | | | | to just dump on you whenever she feels like it, and |
| hadn't changed. And here's the kicker, every time she | | | | that you don't have to answer every criticism she |
| sees you, she is reminded of what she no longer has | | | | throws your way, defines your parental authority. |
| and truly wants down deep -- her birth parent. | | | | And, letting her know you understand why she may |
| Key Point . . . Every time she sees you, she is | | | | be feeling angry will go a long way toward building |
| reminded of whatshe no longer has and truly wants | | | | respect between the two of you. |
| down deep -- her birth parent. | | | | Take Heart |
| You are a breathing, daily reminder of something | | | | If you are in the midst of such a turmoil, take heart. |
| your teen has lost, and still longs for. It doesn't | | | | Your step-child's feelings of loss will not go on |
| matter that there is nothing wrong with you, or that | | | | forever. The adolescent usually outgrows the inner |
| you might even be a better person and parent than | | | | turmoil in a few years, and can get past it even |
| her real parent. What matters at this stage in her life | | | | quicker if it is dealt with more directly with the help |
| is what she perceives she's lost. In my experience, | | | | of a good counselor. But also remember this...parents |
| loss is one of the most potent causes of emotional | | | | who stick to their parental role and continue to |
| strife and behavioral problems in the adolescent | | | | demand mutual respect in the home usually come out |
| years. | | | | with a stronger relationship with the child on the |
| Mistakes Step-Parents Make | | | | other side than do parents who give in and try to |
| In trying to "fix" the attitudes and behavior of a | | | | appease the child. And the child is more stable and |
| wayward step-child, I often see parents try to bribe | | | | more mature for it. |