| Fear is a universal emotion, if not a primal instinct. | | | | person. She had trouble sleeping at night and always |
| Each of us has felt it - recoiling from a sudden burst | | | | wanted to have someone nearby. She worried over |
| of flame or a snarling dog, for instance, or grasping | | | | every symptom of aging and dreaded the prospect |
| at a railing and backing away from a sudden drop-off. | | | | of physical ailments or disabilities. By fifty she was |
| But there's another type of fear: the fear that | | | | already worrying about dying. Thankfully, her |
| comes with serious illness and the prospect of death. | | | | determination to be of use to other people and |
| This fear has less to do with self-preservation. It is | | | | brighten their day kept her afloat - and prevented |
| fear of an uncertain future, fear of change, and | | | | the fears that plagued her from driving her to the |
| perhaps most importantly, fear of facing one's life | | | | brink. |
| squarely and coming up empty-handed. | | | | Then cancer struck. Initially Dorie underwent several |
| When Matt, a 22-year-old I knew, was stricken by a | | | | rounds of chemotherapy, and enjoyed several |
| malignant lymphoma a few years ago, we talked | | | | cancer-free years. Then came a relapse. This time |
| about this fear, and those conversations have stayed | | | | the cancer grew rapidly, and we knew Dorie did not |
| with me ever since. Like most patients who have | | | | have long to live. She was in severe pain, and |
| just been diagnosed with a serious illness, Matt was | | | | radiation provided only partial relief. Sitting with her |
| primarily concerned with his physical condition, at least | | | | and talking seemed to help more. With her, my wife |
| at first, and peppered his doctors with all sorts of | | | | and I sought for answers to her questions: What is |
| questions. What was the cause of the lymphoma? | | | | death? Why do we have to die? Is there life after |
| How effective was the treatment supposed to be? | | | | death? Together we read many passages from |
| What were his chances of survival? What did this or | | | | scripture about death and resurrection, searching for |
| that medical term mean? Within a few days, | | | | verses that would strengthen her. I reminded her |
| however, his overriding concern had changed to his | | | | that she had served God and those around her for |
| spiritual state. It was as if he sensed that his life had | | | | decades, and said I felt sure he would reward her. |
| taken an irreversible turn and that no matter what | | | | All the same, the last weeks of Dorie's life were an |
| the outcome, he needed to set it in order. | | | | enormous struggle, both physically and spiritually. One |
| Matt changed greatly over the following months. At | | | | sensed it was not just a matter of ordinary human |
| the time he was diagnosed, he was a brash and | | | | anxiety, but a vital fight for her soul and spirit. She |
| often loud-mouthed joker; happy-go-lucky on the | | | | seemed besieged by dark powers. My wife and |
| surface, but privately terrified. Six short months later, | | | | daughters nursed her for days on end and |
| however, he was a different person. True, he never | | | | accompanied her through long hours of inner torment. |
| lost his silly streak, and was still scared at times, even | | | | Once she cried out that something evil had entered |
| near the end. But having gone through days and | | | | her room. With what little strength she had, she |
| nights of the most excruciating pain, he had | | | | threw a pillow at it, shouting, "Go away, darkness! Go |
| developed a new, deeper side. And having stopped | | | | away!" At such times those of us with her would |
| looking for an escape from the hard fact that he | | | | gather around her bed and turn to God in song or in |
| was dying, he had come to terms with the thought, | | | | prayer. Dorie loved the Lord's Prayer very much; it |
| and faced it head on. In doing so, he found strength | | | | was always an encouragement to her. |
| to meet the agonies of death calmly. | | | | One morning, after a particularly restless night, Dorie's |
| Not everyone dies peacefully, and it's not just a | | | | fear was suddenly gone, and she said, "I want to |
| matter of emotional make-up or personality. Peace | | | | depend on God alone." She was full of joy and |
| cannot be found solely by "working through" one's | | | | anticipation of that great moment when God would |
| feelings on a personal level. After all, we are never | | | | take her, and felt it would be very soon. She said, |
| alone, but are surrounded at all times by the cosmic | | | | "There's a surprise today: the kingdom's coming! |
| forces of evil and good. And though the battle | | | | When it comes, I will run downstairs and outside to |
| between them is played out in many arenas, I believe | | | | welcome it!" That same afternoon she exclaimed, "All |
| it is most intense wherever the soul of a dying | | | | my pain is gone. I feel so much better! Thank you, |
| person hangs in the balance. | | | | thank you, God!" A little later she said with a smile, |
| Dorie, a close friend of my mother's who felt | | | | "God will call me home tonight." |
| continually tormented by this conflict, lived with it not | | | | In the evening, she called my family - her adoptive |
| only at the end of her life, but for decades. Dorie | | | | family - together and hugged each one of us in |
| lived next door to our family for many years, first as | | | | farewell. We sang and prayed by her bed, and she |
| a part of my parents' household and, after their | | | | remained peaceful through the night. She slipped |
| deaths, as part of my own. | | | | away from us for good as dawn was breaking. |
| The Dorie most people knew was a happy person | | | | Having fought as long and hard as she did, Dorie's |
| who found great joy in helping others. When a baby | | | | departure was nothing less than a victory. She knew |
| was born, she was the first to arrive with fruit, | | | | what it was like to be gripped by cold fear, but she |
| flowers, and an offer to clean the house. It was the | | | | clung to her belief in a God who was greater than |
| same when guests were expected. Nothing satisfied | | | | her anxieties and never let them completely |
| her as much as making sure the extra room was | | | | overwhelm her. And as she breathed her last, she did |
| dusted and the bed freshly made. She was endlessly | | | | so with the calmness of those who have come to |
| cheerful, it seemed, and willing to do the most | | | | realize, as the first Christian believers expressed it, |
| mundane chore. She never expected or wanted | | | | that the world is merely a bridge between earthly |
| thanks. | | | | and eternal life: "Cross over it, but do not build your |
| Underneath, however, Dorie was a nervous, anxious | | | | house on it. |