| you opt for private infant adoption, your process | | | | The openness of your adoption can be increased as |
| may be a little different than if you were going | | | | time goes on. |
| through international placement or placement from | | | | In our agency, a full 25% of our adoptive families and |
| foster care, but the emotional roll-a-coaster effect is | | | | birth families have opened their adoption to include |
| still present. In foster care placement as well as | | | | the exchange of last names and identifying |
| international placement, after you have qualified, had | | | | information by the actual birth of the child. In most of |
| your home study, processed all of the paperwork, | | | | those cases, the birth mother puts the name the |
| then usually a child will be ‘referred’ | | | | adoptive family has chosen for the child as well as |
| to you for placement. Naturally, you have the right to | | | | their last name on the baby’s birth certificate. |
| refuse a referral, but the average person | | | | In many cases, the adoptive family and their |
| doesn’t. In private infant adoption, the birth | | | | extended family members as well as the birth family |
| mother and/or birth father choose the adoptive | | | | and their extended family members are present at |
| family. | | | | the birth and spend hours or days together making |
| Today, almost all birth mothers want a semi-open or | | | | memories for the sake of the child they all love. |
| open adoption rather than a closed adoption with the | | | | Even if they don’t have a fully open adoption |
| adoptive family. Because of today’s | | | | from birth, another 20% of our adoptive families are |
| recommended best practices, almost all agencies | | | | able to grow their relationship with the birth family |
| allow the birth mother to choose the family she | | | | into a fully open relationship within the first two or |
| wants as parents for her baby. Studies by the Evan | | | | three years. So our anecdotal experience is that |
| B. Donaldson Adoption Institute in Washington D.C. | | | | roughly ½ of our placements are fully open |
| have shown that the more open the adoption, the | | | | eventually. This is not perfect, but we feel that it |
| better it is for the adoptee, the birth family and the | | | | respects the needs and wishes of all parties involved. |
| adoptive parents as well. That is a hard concept to | | | | If a mother matches with a family and is unable to |
| get your mind around when you are rebounding from | | | | make that attachment and bond with them for some |
| years of failed infertility treatments and you have | | | | reason, she may ask for a rematch. Also, we have |
| watched too many ‘adoption stories’ | | | | families who for one reason or another have agreed |
| on the Lifetime Channel. But it is true. | | | | to a match under circumstances in which they find |
| Most adoptions are completed without any problems | | | | impossible to continue and have asked for a rematch. |
| and the adoptive family and birth family forge a real | | | | Our agency believes that you and the birth mother |
| bond and a lifelong relationship. However, you | | | | are the only people who have a right to make |
| don’t know how your process will proceed | | | | decisions about what type of an adoption you want. |
| when you begin this challenging and emotional | | | | Occasionally, a mismatch will happen. That is fine. We |
| experience. I recommend that you opt for a | | | | will be glad to rematch both parties, because this |
| semi-open adoption to begin with and leave the door | | | | adoption is about them and the baby, not our agency |
| open for a more open adoption if it is possible. A | | | | or our time line constraints or our cash flow or our |
| semi-open adoption is one in which you meet the | | | | ego. It’s about you as the parents, both |
| birth family and are given an opportunity to develop | | | | biological and adoptive, and most importantly the child. |
| a close bond and relationship with each other and | | | | The scenario I have described is a wonderful process |
| attend the birth of your child. This type of | | | | to watch from the outside as well as to live from |
| relationship may include your extended family as well | | | | the inside. The only way to achieve this type of |
| as the birth family’s extended family. The | | | | adoption is to take time with the decision making |
| difference in this type of adoption and a fully open | | | | process. Don’t be rushed into a decision and |
| adoption is no identifying information is exchanged by | | | | don’t be afraid to voice concerns about the |
| the parties. I hope and pray that you will wind up | | | | situation. My experience tells me that if you are |
| with an open adoption in which you and the birth | | | | having concerns about the birth mother and the |
| family have exchanged identifying information and are | | | | openness of the adoption, then she is too. When |
| contacting each other directly and maybe even | | | | both parties are participating in the type of adoption |
| meeting periodically so your child and any siblings can | | | | and placement that they need and want, then very |
| learn about each other. But you don’t know if | | | | little else can go wrong. |
| that is possible in the beginning of the relationship. | | | | |