| You know that game that counselors like to make | | | | open, photos of my son, their son, smiling, laughing, |
| you play, where you stand with your back to | | | | sleeping peacefully, floated to my lap. There were |
| someone, close your eyes, and fall backwards - | | | | two letters, one from his father, one from his |
| trusting the person will catch you and not let you fall? | | | | mother. They expressed their love, their gratitude, |
| This is what open adoption can feel like in the | | | | their joy. To further express their gratitude, they |
| beginning, except you have no reason to trust in the | | | | offered me the one gift they could give: they |
| person who is suppose to catch you because it's a | | | | baptized my son with the name I had given him in |
| stranger. They haven't done anything to gain your | | | | the hospital. By doing so they not only honored the |
| trust - and likewise, you've done nothing to earn their | | | | fact that Joseph's life had begun with me, but |
| trust in you. Blindly, a birthmother trusts in the | | | | allowed him to keep a piece of those precious few |
| strangers to love her child as their own, to let her | | | | days with him always. I thought it was perfect. He |
| know he's happy and to never deny her existence. | | | | wasn't just my Joe anymore, he was their Joe too. |
| Likewise, adoptive parents trust in a stranger to give | | | | In her letter, his mother wrote: "children are not really |
| up her child, to make them a family, and to never | | | | ever ours, they are just entrusted to us for a time |
| tear them apart. | | | | by God." I had taken my leap of faith with her; she |
| Taking this first step of blind trust takes enormous | | | | now was taking her leap of faith with me. I could not |
| courage, respect and love. This is the foundation | | | | have respected her more for it. |
| successful open adoptions are built on. But after | | | | For twelve years we took those steps together, we |
| those first steps are taken, a birthmother releases | | | | openly shared our hopes, our dreams, and our fears. |
| her child into the care of another, and adoptive | | | | We learned to trust, to respect and to love each |
| parents open a line of communication to reassure the | | | | other, and by example, our son grew to trust, |
| birthmother of her child's happiness, step by step | | | | respect and love. At the age of 12 he requested to |
| trust is built, respect grows, and the love that | | | | meet me face to face. His parents and I shared our |
| brought everyone into this arrangement blossoms for | | | | fears at reuniting at such a young age, but ultimately |
| the benefit of a child. | | | | decided to trust in each other, and Joe, and we |
| It's been 20 years since I took that first frightful | | | | made it happen. Holding Joe in my arms again was |
| step. My son was born on April 5, 1985. It was a time | | | | one of most amazing moments of my life. I cried, I |
| when the term "open adoption" was virtually | | | | kissed the top of his head, I cried some more, then I |
| unknown. Those who were trying to start | | | | remembered he was still just a child and this |
| communications between adoptive families and | | | | blubbering woman suffocating him was probably |
| birthparents had no road map to follow, no | | | | scaring the pants of him! I backed off, and we |
| guarantees. It was simply a new idea that sprung | | | | started to talk. The next day we had some time to |
| from the pain and regret that closed adoptions had | | | | talk alone and when I asked him why he wanted to |
| created. The idea that birthmothers who relinquished | | | | meet me (fearing that dreaded question, "why did |
| their children could forget it, put it behind them and | | | | you give me up?") his answer was simply, "I missed |
| move on with life was proven to be wrong over and | | | | you." |
| over again. Birthmothers could no more forget their | | | | On the day he graduated from high school, we |
| children then they could forget they have legs. | | | | celebrated our journey together. All the years of |
| For me, I knew I could not let go of my son without | | | | questioning my choice were washed away as I |
| knowing he was loved and happy. I needed some | | | | listened to his accomplishments and watched the joy |
| way of confirming that I had made the right choice. I | | | | and pride in his eyes. During the ceremony his principal |
| put too much love and sacrifice into making the | | | | asked all those who had loved and supported the |
| choice for adoption to just leave my son's life to | | | | graduates in their journey to this moment, their |
| chance after his birth. All I had to offer my son was | | | | parents, to stand and be recognized. I thought of |
| love. No home, no father, no income. Just love. The | | | | Joe's parents and how thankful I was that he had |
| realization of this brought me to my decision. I loved | | | | them. Joe's father was on my left, his mother on my |
| my son enough to put his needs before my own. | | | | right. They each looked at me, took hold of my |
| Keeping him would be for ME. Giving him a home and | | | | hands - and we stood together. |
| a family, choosing adoption, would be the best for | | | | Open adoption is no longer a destination without a |
| HIM. Working with my counselor, I knew the family I | | | | plan. It's found a happy ending and those entering |
| chose for my son had a home, I knew he would | | | | into this arrangement today have stories such as |
| have a mother and a father, I knew they would be | | | | mine to guide them on their journey. While it still |
| able to provide for him, what I didn't know was if | | | | requires the courage to step in front of a stranger |
| they would love him. | | | | and trust in them to catch you, knowing the potential |
| I HAD to know. I needed to know. There was no | | | | for love and respect will give you the strength to go |
| way I would be able to live with myself until I knew. | | | | ahead, and fall. |
| I waited a full year. When the package came I tore it | | | | |