| It is a pretty widely held management belief that | | | | Adult to Adult. |
| people leave bosses, not companies. Most of us can | | | | And the kicker is that on the healthy side, we slip in |
| find something socially redeeming about our jobs, our | | | | an out of Adult, Parent and Child all day long, and |
| colleagues, and the company we work for. Most | | | | that is a good thing. For example, if I were talking to |
| employees are not particularly demanding when it | | | | you right now, explaining this in person, I would be in |
| comes to raises, benefits, work assignments and | | | | Parent mode and you, Child. But later, you may have |
| workload, even the hours we are asked to put in. | | | | to teach me something and I would adopt Child |
| No, most of us will just go to work and find | | | | mode and you, Parent. And later yet, while talking |
| something good about it. It is human nature. | | | | about Sunday's NFL game or the new dress you |
| There is one exception to that postulate, and that | | | | bought, you would be in Adult mode talking to other |
| one exception is a bad boss. Yes, the dictatorial, | | | | Adults communicating your story. It is truly amazing. |
| unfair, idea stealing, bad breathed, body odored, | | | | Confused? Hang in there. |
| unpleasant boss will generally run people off in | | | | So, I decided I would test this theory on my bad |
| droves. Sometimes employees will just leave the bad | | | | boss. I knew the day would soon come when I |
| department, but most times they leave the | | | | would get a call to go see the boss to be dressed |
| company. Why? Because there is way too much risk | | | | down for some problem. I was determined not to |
| in trying report this behavior (other than some sort | | | | lose my composure and to test this hypothesis. And |
| harassment issue), and it is impossible to tell your | | | | finally, the day came. |
| boss to use mouthwash. It is more prudent to move | | | | My phone rang about 9 in the morning. It was the |
| on. | | | | boss. He said "Mikey" (I hated that name he gave |
| Years ago I had that boss. He was ill-tempered, foul | | | | me), "come see me." And hung up. My heart started |
| mouthed, short fused, smelled bad and demeaned | | | | pounding and my face became flush as I recognized |
| everyone he spoke to. It was a nightmare to have | | | | the tone of his voice. It was my turn in the hopper, |
| meetings with him because you knew he was going | | | | for something. I suspected I knew what this was |
| to attack someone, so before the meeting you'd say | | | | about. I was in charge of the computer systems and |
| a short novena it wasn't you! | | | | we had some unexpected downtime that morning |
| One day after a particularly brutal meeting, I started | | | | that one of my colleagues used as an excuse for |
| to notice that he reacted to different personalities | | | | missing a deadline. You see, the culture was so |
| around the table differently. He seemed to have a | | | | hostile, people would throw each other under the bus |
| different level of respect for one or two of the | | | | with some degree of frequency. |
| people present, but what I noticed more so, was | | | | So I gained my composure and started down the |
| that he reacted differently to the way those people | | | | long hallway to the boss's office. To add some true |
| treated him. After noticing it, I paid more attention | | | | drama, the hall was very poorly lit and you felt some |
| and realized I was absolutely right. The more this | | | | sense of going to the gallows as you went down |
| terrible boss criticized someone and the more they | | | | that hallway. Coming out of the hallway was Chris, |
| defended themselves, the more and worse he | | | | my Judas. He barely acknowledged me as he |
| continued that criticism. It seemed that what fueled | | | | slithered pass, the snake. I knocked on the boss's |
| his fire was defensiveness, or later what I found out | | | | door and he yelled angrily "come in!!". And I did. |
| was rebelliousness. | | | | "Morning Jim." I said to him. |
| The second thing I noticed was that if he criticized | | | | "Good morning? Bull! Jensen just told me because the |
| someone and they just covered up, not fighting | | | | system was down he needs two more days to finish |
| back, he was unrelenting, like a shark who just got a | | | | the budgets. Can't you keep that computer up? Don't |
| whiff of blood in the water and would go into a | | | | I pay you enough? Boy, this would be a great place |
| feeding frenzy. He would demean that person, and | | | | to start an IT Department if I had anyone with half |
| say horrible things until he got his fill of them. And the | | | | a brain that could run it." The sentence was full of |
| more that person assumed the personality of a small, | | | | expletives and it went on like that for five minutes |
| defenseless child, hunched over in a fetal position, the | | | | before he stopped. He never really asked me a |
| more he yelled. Brutal. | | | | question and finally motioned with his hand that he |
| Both circumstances were difficult to watch. But I | | | | wanted me to say something. |
| began to notice that he treated people who stood | | | | I took a deep breath, looked him in the eye and said |
| their ground, answered his questions factually without | | | | firmly "Jim, we had a disk failure this morning at 6:10 |
| any defensiveness, and nearly devoid of emotion, | | | | a.m. We were down for 45 minutes while we |
| with a modicum of respect. He would try to criticize | | | | re-configured the disk array. After checking the |
| them, but they would ignore the criticism and only | | | | system logs and data integrity, we were back up by |
| react to the actual question. It was an amazing site | | | | 7:30. Chris arrived about 7:30 and heard the system |
| to behold. | | | | was down and never checked to see if it had come |
| So I decided to do some research on the matter to | | | | back up before talking to you." And I stood there |
| see what I could find. That research led me to a | | | | waiting for round two. |
| blended hypothesis. I found that there were six | | | | He looked at me for what felt like an hour, but finally |
| personality types - three positive and three negative. | | | | started screaming again, but this time he was |
| And, ironically any of us can adopt any of those | | | | screaming in a different way. He never asked any |
| personalities if we choose to. These are not my | | | | questions. He just cussed, and screamed about |
| inventions, but are credited to a number of | | | | Jensen. He went on and on. And, I just stood there. |
| psychologists who are experts in this field. | | | | Once again he motioned for me to say something. I |
| The first three negative personalities are: | | | | told him what corrective action we took, and what |
| | | | we intended to do to prevent it next time. I never |
| 1. Critical parent - this is the boss that criticizes | | | | acted defensively or rebellious and never piled on |
| everything you do no matter what, and even if you | | | | Chris, the snake. Again, I just stood there. |
| prove them wrong, they will simply move off that | | | | This time, he started talking to me like an Adult. He |
| point and find something else to criticize. | | | | had completely left Critical Parent mode. After he |
| 2. Rebellious teen - this is exactly what it sounds like. | | | | was done talking, I said "Will there be anything else?" |
| It is the defensive, angry, rebellious personality that | | | | He just looked at me and smiled, well it could have |
| fights with critical parent. | | | | been gas, but it might have been a smile, and said no |
| 3. Withdrawn child - this is the poor soul that just | | | | and I left. The relationship changed that day and |
| covers up and waits for the beatings to stop. | | | | never went back. |
| The second three positive personalities are: | | | | I opened his door to leave and when I heard it swing |
| | | | shut, I felt this incredible relief and pumped my fist in |
| 1. Parent - this is a healthy, teaching personality that | | | | the air. As I walked to my office I passed Chris who |
| is adopted when leading, teaching, or mentoring | | | | was walking toward Jim's office. He must have called |
| 2. Adult - the healthy, collegial personality that we | | | | him in for round two. I felt just a little bad for the |
| strive to be in most of the time | | | | snake....not too bad though. |
| 3. Child - another healthy personality that is teachable | | | | The bottom line is that you cannot change anyone's |
| and the personalty most normally talking to parent. | | | | behavior, but you can change your own and people |
| Here is the most important point. Negative | | | | will react to it. It takes a great deal of practice and |
| personalities can only communicate with other | | | | energy, but you can lead by example and maintain |
| negative personalities. Critical parent can only talk to | | | | your dignity under the most difficult of situations and |
| Rebellious teen and Withdrawn child. He cannot talk | | | | come out on top. And remember, negative |
| to Adult. If he wants to communicate with Adult, the | | | | personality types can only talk to other negative |
| personality we should strive to be in all the time, then | | | | personalties so be positive. |
| he must slip out of Critical parent and into Adult. It is | | | | I would love to hear from you. |