| "I don't know what to do anymore," said Jill, | | | | should be abusive or hurtful. |
| stepmother to two teen girls and mom to one | | | | That way when your stepchild is saying, "You're not |
| biological son, aged 10. "My stepdaughters don't | | | | my father," the answer is "You're right, I'm not. But |
| respect me-I'm the 'evil stepmother' to them-and | | | | these are the expectations that your mother and I |
| pretty much ignore whatever I say. And my son is | | | | have, and if you don't follow through you will be held |
| constantly telling me that my husband isn't fair, and | | | | accountable." It allows you to avoid getting into those |
| that he treats him differently than he treats his two | | | | kinds of power struggles with your stepchild. |
| girls. Sometimes I get so exhausted by the whole | | | | If your spouse isn't parenting your child the way you |
| thing I just want to get up and leave." | | | | think they should be, you need to be able to |
| We often jokingly say, "You don't get a manual on | | | | communicate with them about that and work things |
| how to parent kids." But each adult in a blended | | | | out. If there's a disagreement, the birth parent's |
| family brings a set of ideas about parenting with | | | | decision takes primacy and the stepparent has to be |
| them, in addition to their own prior experiences. This | | | | mature enough and trusting enough in the relationship |
| often makes for a very complex situation, and it's | | | | to go along with it, without a lot of pouting and |
| one of the reasons why parents in a blended family | | | | self-pity. |
| can get stuck in some disappointing and frustrating | | | | Communicate Constantly and Present a United Front |
| cycles of behavior. Look at it this way: there are so | | | | I can't stress this enough: the foundation for blended |
| many different points of view and aspects to this | | | | families rests on the principles of communication and |
| relationship that it can naturally be very confusing for | | | | cooperation between both adults. Compromise is the |
| everyone. The children also have different | | | | name of the game. And adults have to communicate, |
| experiences and perceptions of the parent-child | | | | communicate, communicate. In a blended family, |
| relationship-and because of the very fact that they | | | | there is an absolute necessity for both adults to be |
| are children, they will not surrender those ideas easily. | | | | on the same page. These two adults, when they |
| Remember, the secret to having a blended family is | | | | decide to get together and marry, have to make a |
| having blended adults. The kids just have a | | | | decision that they're going to communicate about |
| responsibility to live with each other respectfully and | | | | things in private, away from the kids. |
| to respect the other parent. | | | | The rule has to be, "Whatever agreement we come |
| I think the first question that has to be asked is | | | | up with, we have to present a united front on it. And |
| "What does 'blended' mean?" Does it mean everyone | | | | if we disagree, the birth parent should have the right |
| calls the woman "Mommy" and the man "Daddy?" | | | | to say, "This is my choice, this is my decision." And in |
| Does blended mean each parent supports the other | | | | fact, the common theme in the family should be that |
| parent no matter what? Or does blended mean that | | | | Mom and Dad talk things out, that they look into |
| a couple comes to a series of decisions together | | | | things and work things out together. |
| about their expectations and thoughts regarding the | | | | Don't Throw Labels Around |
| development of children-and then they operationalize | | | | Labels are one of the biggest roadblocks to |
| those ideas in how they treat their kids and what | | | | communication, because once you start labeling |
| they expect from them? | | | | somebody, communication is over-you've effectively |
| I believe that blending two families is the most | | | | cut it off. If one parent labels the other as being too |
| perplexing and difficult job two adults can take on. | | | | soft, or too hardline, those labels interfere with |
| There are no quick answers or easy solutions. But | | | | solving the problem. And by the way, that's why |
| there are some guidelines and suggestions I can give | | | | people do label. Genuine communication is very |
| you to help you think about the scope and nature of | | | | difficult emotionally, and if both people aren't on the |
| some of the common problems that surface within | | | | same page, they often avoid it. How do they avoid |
| your family-and how to solve them. | | | | it? By arguing, fighting, blaming, and labeling. |
| How to Get on the Same Page with Your Spouse | | | | Let's say there's a dispute over the amount of time |
| Before You Get Married: Establish Roles and Resolve | | | | the kids in the family are spending on video games. |
| the Conflicts You Can Resolve | | | | You want to limit their game time, but your spouse |
| One type of conflict that occurs between parents in | | | | thinks the kids should be allowed to play as much as |
| a blended family is having a difference of opinion | | | | they want. It doesn't help when one adult says to |
| about general parenting ideas.This might include when | | | | the other, "You're too soft on them," or "You're too |
| bedtime should be, how homework is done, and how | | | | rigid." Again, that's just labeling the other person. |
| much TV is allowed in the house. Many of these | | | | Instead, you need to sit down and ask investigative |
| differences can be talked about and resolved before | | | | questions like, "What are you trying to accomplish by |
| you get married. | | | | letting the kids play video games without putting a |
| If your spouse parents differently than you do, talk | | | | time limit on them?" So the question becomes, "What |
| about that openly-hopefully before you get married. | | | | is your goal here?" And your spouse might respond, |
| Often people fall in love and don't face those kinds | | | | "I want them to feel like home is a place where they |
| of issues. They think it will all work out on its | | | | can relax and do the things they enjoy as much as |
| own-but the truth is, things usually don't work out | | | | they want, as long as they take care of their |
| unless the people working them out have the skills to | | | | responsibilities." And they should be asking you, |
| make that happen. Even if you are already married, I | | | | "What are you trying to accomplish by limiting the |
| suggest you sit down and start talking about the | | | | video game time?" You might say, "I want them to |
| parenting issues that are important to you today. | | | | have some structure in their lives. I think video |
| But don't kid yourself, although you may agree to | | | | games have their place, but they should not be our |
| things and work them out ahead of time, as | | | | kids' main source of entertainment. I'm worried that if |
| stressors and different situations happen, realize that | | | | we let them play as much as they want, it'll become |
| it's common for both you and your spouse to react | | | | a cop-out and they'll play video games instead of |
| in ways you didn't anticipate. This is because family | | | | doing other things." |
| dynamics change, kids change, circumstances outside | | | | Now both of these people have a legitimate |
| the family change. To put it plainly, it's impossible to | | | | perspective. The challenge is for them to come up |
| plan for everything. | | | | with some kind of compromise. You do this by |
| The key is to be adult and understanding of each | | | | figuring out what you're trying to accomplish or avoid. |
| other. For example, it's not uncommon for Democrats | | | | Once you do that-and can come up with a |
| and Republicans to be happily married to one another. | | | | compromise instead of arguing or labeling the other |
| In the same way, if you're in a blended family | | | | person-you're really communicating. Remember, |
| situation, you have to find a way to live with your | | | | basing decisions on what you're trying to accomplish |
| partner by respecting the other person's point of | | | | is often much more effective than basing them on |
| view when it comes to decisions about how to raise | | | | "the way things were on when you were a kid." |
| the kids in the family, too. | | | | Remember, the key to finding harmony in a blended |
| Recognize the Importance of the Birth Parent | | | | family is communication and maturity on the part of |
| It's very important to establish the importance of the | | | | the parents. One important thing to realize is that the |
| birth parent. This means that the birth parent is the | | | | kids may never blend the way you want them to, or |
| primary parent. Think of it this way: marriages break | | | | they may blend wonderfully. Again, the people who |
| up sometimes, but the birth parent-birth child | | | | really have to blend are the parents. And blending as |
| relationship is never going to dissolve. Because of the | | | | adults means seeing your spouse as a partner, not as |
| birth parent-child connection, the birth parent should | | | | an obstacle. |
| be the decision maker of last resort for their | | | | Believe me, I know that this advice is easy to read |
| biological child, as long as the decision around that | | | | but difficult to do. Know that although a lot of |
| child protects the emotional and physical safety of | | | | emotional labor has to take place, the fruits of your |
| everyone else in the family. What that means is that | | | | efforts will translate into much more peace in your |
| when we have conflicts, the birth parent will make | | | | home. |
| the final decision, but that doesn't mean the child | | | | |