| Before the Court Date: | | | | ask-- but I've never heard a Judge say no). Judges |
| Devote at least one home visit to meet with the | | | | typically enjoy adoptions and are often heard saying, |
| entire family and explain what will actually happen in | | | | "This is the best part of my job." |
| court. If the children are old enough, I ask. "Have you | | | | Encourage the family to eat out after the court |
| seen Judge Judy on TV?" | | | | ceremony and/or to have a party and celebrate the |
| They usually laugh and say "Yes". Typically they | | | | adoption anniversary like a birthday - that day and |
| relate a Judge to some sort of punishment. | | | | for years later. Children should be allowed to help plan |
| Perhaps they imagine a Judge harshly saying, "Go to | | | | the celebration and to invite special guests. Be clear |
| jail" while banging down a gavel. | | | | beforehand whether birth family ( kinship or open |
| Kids often think sending people to jail are the only | | | | adoptions) will be part of the process. |
| thing Judges do. I say, "A Judge is a wise person | | | | Don't let families start party planning too early |
| who gives answers when people can't agree on | | | | (before the appeal period is over). Nothing like waiting |
| something." Sometimes the disagreement involves | | | | 18 more months to put a damper on things! Tell them |
| money, land or a family situation such as a divorce. In | | | | to invite extended family and friends. Let them know |
| a child's case, decisions center around who will parent | | | | that while they will have to walk through a security |
| them. | | | | check (similar to an airport) and that balloons, flowers |
| Remind children that Judges can be young, old, man, | | | | and cameras are all allowed in the courtroom. I often |
| woman, tall, short and any race. They all wear long | | | | volunteer to take pictures so they can focus on the |
| black robes. If you know which Judge will hear the | | | | actual event. |
| finalization it helps to have their name to personalize | | | | Visuals and Rituals: |
| the process. | | | | A picture is worth a thousand words. One Boston |
| How Do Kids Get Adopted? | | | | social worker filled up her bulletin board with photos |
| Rosemary Broadbent, adoptive mom and adoption | | | | of families on their Adoption Day. When kids would |
| social worker for 26 years, tells all families, "Adoption | | | | come to the office they were mesmerized by the |
| is a process not just an event." She explains that all | | | | pictures anticipating adding theirs to the mix. |
| of the time theyhave spent getting to know, love | | | | Here's another idea. Create an album (simple 3 ring |
| and trust each other, they have actually been in the | | | | notebook) with a page for each of the families you |
| process of "adopting each other." | | | | have worked with through finalization and bring it |
| In this way, she honors the entire time a family has | | | | with you on a home visit. This will provides a visual |
| spent together and acknowledges the adoption | | | | for "getting adopted" and prove that this' adoption |
| legalization as a milestone in a usually lengthy process. | | | | thing' really happens. |
| This concept is especially effective for older children | | | | Bittersweet Feelings: |
| who want to feel that their adoption is something | | | | No matter how loving an attachment between |
| they are involved in and not something being "done" | | | | adoptive parent and child, the legal finalization officially |
| to them. | | | | signals that the child has 'lost' their first family and |
| Let's Play Court | | | | possibly previous foster families too. There are no |
| Nothing helps ease nervous jitters like role playing. | | | | more chances the birth parent(s) will return to the |
| During a home visit "play court." As the social worker, | | | | parenting role or that previous biological or foster |
| take the lead by playing the Judge and have child | | | | siblings will share the same parents or roof. |
| (and other siblings and/or parent(s)) play themselves. | | | | If a child is getting a new last name this may be |
| Have them sit and waiting for the Judge to enter. | | | | troubling. While they may be happy about their |
| Instruct them about basic courtroom etiquette which | | | | inclusion in their permanent family they may be sad |
| dictates that they are supposed to stand when the | | | | to give up a rare possession that they have carried |
| Judge enters, that all cell phones, beepers and toys | | | | with them - their last name. Or, they may feel |
| be shut off and that proper dress be worn. | | | | disloyal to biological family members for changing the |
| Tell the family, "You may be seated," and ask siblings | | | | name. Other children have practiced the spelling of |
| a few simple questions, such as "How old are you? | | | | their adoptive name from Day 1, craving the security |
| What grade are you in? What sorts of things do you | | | | and permanence offered through adoption. |
| like to do?" and wait for them to answer. | | | | While the adults usually celebrate the end of an |
| Role play the actual 'adoption part' as well. I'll tell | | | | arduous, labile process--it's important to remember |
| families that once the Judge signs the adoption | | | | that this occasion may bring up sadness for the older |
| papers - the child is officially adopted. | | | | foster child. Look at their eyes. |
| I'll say, "Well I've read the reports and I think this | | | | On the day of the finalization, and during anniversary |
| adoption is really wonderful. You are all very lucky." | | | | celebrations, the child needs his/her complex feelings |
| The family should then practice clapping and yelling, | | | | honored. On anniversaries, a child once happy about |
| "Hurray! If they are shy, cue them by saying,"1, 2, 3." | | | | her finalization might become sad or a previously |
| Be sure to complain that they weren't loud enough | | | | grieving child might feel joyous. Feelings can change |
| when they celebrated. Do this part repeatedly when | | | | hour to hour or year to year. |
| each family member takes a turn being the Judge. | | | | Saying Good-bye Families |
| Don't be surprised at how much they love bossing | | | | As the social worker, acknowledge your shifting role. |
| each other around. | | | | An adoption finalization likely means you will no longer |
| How Long Does it Take? | | | | have regular home visits, not to mention legal |
| This is the loaded question you should expect. After | | | | custody. Sometimes it feels like you are losing good |
| many rollercoaster years and sleepless nights, the | | | | friends--while other times families are glad to no |
| actual adoption takes all of 10 minutes (OK, | | | | longer have the "state' sitting at their kitchen table. |
| sometimes 5). It helps families to know a head of | | | | Acknowledge the feelings of family members as well |
| time how quickly it goes. | | | | as your own. |
| Some Judges have their own rituals, which makes it a | | | | For me, I've found in my role as a social worker, |
| longer as well as unforgettable day. Some read a | | | | there is nothing as important to me as making |
| very formal statement or let adopted child/teen sit in | | | | families. I am honored and awestruck every time I |
| their chair and bang the gavel (you may have to | | | | witness a family being formed through adoption. |