Full Circle?

Have I come full circle? In the thirty-five years I waskindly. My child would have been seen as........oh Lord, I
separated from my first born, I never blamed mycan't even say it. My mother was a good mother.
mother; I never resented her for her manipulation ofYes she manipulated me. Yes, she engineered my
me and the resulting surrender of my daughter.surrendering my child for adoption. But, I do now
Perhaps I was too busy simply mourning my loss.believe, she did this believing it was the best of all
Mentally, I could not get beyond that, to blamebad choices, for me and for my child. I'm sure she
anyone else or even to analyze what had happenedfelt helpless and hopeless. There was no good
to us.answer in those days. And while I have suffered in
Then, two and a half years ago, I found mysilence for all of these years...........so has she. While I
daughter. I wrote a manuscript where I tried to tellsuffered the guilt of abandoning my child, she must
our whole story. I wanted my daughter to have ahave suffered a similar guilt of abandoning her child
true account. This was a gut-wrenching experience. Iand her grandchild.
found myself, as I wrote, dredging out a lot of reallySo, here I am today. I have found my daughter and
heavy stuff. Much of this heavy stuff, I had tuckedwe have established a relationship. Of course we
into the darkest recesses of my mind. These painfulcannot recapture the lost years and the history that
memories came to the surface as I wrote. Suddenlygoes hand in hand. But we do have this day forward.
I found myself angry with my mother. I found IA lot of my guilt has been eased at witnessing her
placed a lot of the blame, for the loss of myhappiness and her close relationship with her Adoptive
daughter, on her. I felt betrayed by her. I resentedMother. (I thank God daily for this wonderful woman
that she cared more, I felt, about the opinion ofwho has been the Mother I prayed my baby girl
others than she cared about me and my child. Thewould have. This wonderful woman who shares the
worst part was trying to act normal around mylovely lady, she has helped form, with me. This angel
mother, who was close to 80, and not have her pickwho speaks to me of her daughter as 'our daughter'.)
up on how I felt. Much too late, I thought, to lay allI have worked through my anger at my mother.
this on her now. She is too old, too fragile. I prayedToday, I bared my soul to my mother. I told her all I
about it. I knew I had to learn to live with it all.have just relayed here, and more. She wept, "Of
Somehow, I have come to see the untenablecourse, it was my fault! All my fault! No one else's....."
position my mother was in. We lived in a societyWith my anger evaporated, perhaps I have come full
where, had I brought my baby home in the light ofcircle?
day, I would have been seen as 'trash' to put it