| It seems siblings always seem to be fighting with | | | | So how does all this affect you as a parent? Does it |
| each other in families, but overt fighting doesn’t | | | | mean that you stop talking to your first born and |
| tell the whole story. | | | | start lavishing all you’re A-grade attention on |
| According to a study published in Childhood, an | | | | your youngest? |
| international journal, kids develop a complex set of | | | | Not exactly. The results of these studies suggest |
| negotiation skills to survive within their family. | | | | that we as parents can ease up a little on our |
| The study of 90 children from 5-17 from 30 families | | | | attempts to even things out. As much as we parents |
| found that kids develop their own ways of getting | | | | think we like to control, shape and contrive family |
| on, which you won’t necessarily find in parenting | | | | situations in our favour, kids have their own |
| manuals. | | | | hierarchies and ways of working things out. |
| Bribing, trading, swapping, bargaining and dealing were | | | | Parenting is not so much about raising individual kids |
| the types of terms kids used to explain how they | | | | but leading the gang, even if it is gang of two. |
| got their own way or brought some peace in their | | | | Knowing when to interfere in sibling relationships (and |
| families. | | | | their fights) and when to leave well enough alone is a |
| The co-author of the study Samantha Punch claimed | | | | central issue for every parent. |
| that parents tend to see the conflict and | | | | Here’s thoughts which may help you with this |
| competitiveness between siblings, and often overlook | | | | vexing parenting issue: |
| the positive ways that kids resolve their relationship | | | | 1. Kids when left to their own devices will often solve |
| issues. | | | | their relationships issues in ways we as adults |
| This study supports my own views that the sibling | | | | wouldn’t consider. |
| jungle teaches kids a variety of skills that are | | | | 2. Power is never distributed evenly in families. Kids |
| immensely useful for kids when negotiating peer | | | | learn that you get what you negotiate but |
| relationships as well as relationships in later life. It also | | | | sometimes they don’t have the resources or |
| shows that when left to their own devices siblings | | | | wherewithal to negotiate evenly. Enter a parent for |
| develop their own ways of living with each other. | | | | some fairness! |
| The study also found that birth order was more | | | | 3. Kids do need to be taught to resolve conflict |
| important than gender in shaping sibling relationships, | | | | without dealing. There are times when they need to |
| and that age and knowledge gave first borns a | | | | give some ground without getting something in |
| distinct advantage over other siblings in the | | | | return, because that is the basis of civil society. This |
| negotiation stakes. | | | | is an adult concept that kids need to learn. |
| Another study out of the UK showed that first borns | | | | 4. It is best to interfere in disputes if you can teach |
| get a disproportionate share of parental time, care | | | | your kids something (e.g. work out a better way of |
| and attention compared to later borns. | | | | sharing the computer other than beginning a shouting |
| This extra attention results in first borns getting a | | | | match)) rather than solve their fight. |
| significant leg-up in life in terms of IQ, earning power | | | | 5. Kids’ conflict resolution can be distressing and |
| and health. | | | | disturbing to you. You have rights too! So if your |
| First born advantage was related to family affluence. | | | | right to some peace and quiet is disturbed then it |
| The study found that the wealthier the family the | | | | may be time to enter the fray at least for your own |
| greater the advantage for first borns, presumably as | | | | sanity. |
| they have more resources to share. | | | | Working out sibling relationships, like solving |
| While the notion of first born advantage is not new, | | | | children’s friendship issues can be a minefield for |
| the impact of family affluence on this advantage was | | | | most sane, rational parents. |
| surprising. Perhaps, it is more pronounced in Britain | | | | The ability to unite your tribe and get them moving in |
| where the socio-economic divide is far greater than in | | | | a single direction is the key for parents worn down |
| supposedly egalitarian Australia. | | | | by sibling conflict. |