| I am birthmother to a 41 year old son. Back when I | | | | birthmother who learns to speak openly about her |
| was pregnant with him, mine was a shameful secret, | | | | experiences. |
| because only "bad girls" got pregnant. I'm happy to | | | | I facilitated a number of local support groups over |
| say that the world has changed a lot in that respect. | | | | the years, both for birthmothers and for adoptees |
| Girls who become pregnant today face a very | | | | and birthmothers together. Those meetings were |
| different set of problems than I did. Many girls today | | | | always healing. There were plenty of tears, but the |
| even chose to keep and raise their children, an | | | | tears helped to wash away the shame. For many |
| opportunity that was not imaginable 40 years ago. | | | | birthmoms, myself included, it was extremely healing |
| Over the last 18 years I have gotten to know many | | | | to talk with adoptees and find out how they felt |
| birthmothers who relinquished their children in the | | | | about their birthmoms. I personally received a |
| sixties and seventies. A lot of them found the | | | | tremendous amount of support from adoptees, who |
| support and understanding of other birthmoms, and | | | | always encouraged me to search for the son that I |
| with time managed to reach a place of peace and | | | | hadn't felt I had a right to search for. |
| acceptance with their past. For women like me, just | | | | Look through your local newspaper, and search online |
| being able to say "I'm a birthmother" and not feel | | | | for support groups in your area. From the first |
| shamed by that is huge. | | | | minute that you connect with other birthmoms, you'll |
| Over the years, though, I have also come to know | | | | be so happy that you did. These are women who |
| or know of many women who gave their children up | | | | truly understand your feelings, because they lived |
| in secret, and held onto that secret for their entire | | | | through the same experiences that you did. |
| lives. Having run an online reunion registry for years, I | | | | Even if you find that you don't have any local |
| have heard time after time about adoptees searching | | | | support groups, there are many support mailing lists |
| for and finding their birthmoms, who then refused to | | | | online, through which you can receive daily emails |
| have contact because they had never told another | | | | that are nearly as healing and helpful as attending |
| living soul their deep, dark secret. These are the | | | | meetings. As you make and nurture the connections |
| women that I refer to as being in the "birthmom | | | | to other birthmoms and to adoptees, you'll find that |
| closet". They're not happy in there, but they're | | | | the support and understanding helps to move you |
| scared to death to come out. | | | | along on your healing journey. |
| These women had a chance to get to know the | | | | If you are a birthmother still holding onto your secret, |
| children that they gave up and grieved over for | | | | and living with the pain every day, I strongly |
| years, but they refused to do so out of fear. Their | | | | encourage you to take the steps necessary to get |
| spouse doesn't know their secret. Their other children | | | | out of that stifling closet that you've been in for so |
| don't know their secret. In some cases, even their | | | | long. There really can be healing for you, but it's up |
| parents don't know their secret. | | | | to you to take that first step, and when you've |
| I suggest that it's time for these scared women to | | | | done that, each step after will be a bit easier. |
| finally come out of the closet. Gone are the days | | | | To all birthmothers, I wish you healing and peace of |
| when they had to hang their heads in shame. Work | | | | mind, and never forget that you're not alone on this |
| up the courage to open that door and step out, | | | | journey. |
| because the world is not nearly as painful for a | | | | |