| "Why is it that as we get closer to referral, each day | | | | may have to make a conscious choice to limit the |
| gets longer and longer?" | | | | amount of time you spend on said projects. |
| Picture this scenario. | | | | Be sure to get to bed at a reasonable hour each |
| Your Dossier has been sent. You've received notice | | | | night. Make a habit of preparing healthy meals for |
| that it's been logged in at the country's adoption | | | | you and your family. Make these daily routines. |
| office. You begin your wait. | | | | Limit the amount of time you are online reading posts |
| At first, there is a letdown. You've been so caught | | | | and sending emails related to adoption, waiting, |
| up in the paperchase 24/7 that you now feel a sense | | | | referral rumors, etc. |
| of purposelessness. What to do with all that free | | | | Don't purchase M & Ms, except for the |
| time? | | | | occasional small single serving bag. Key word is |
| Next, you start communicating with your online | | | | "occasional" - which means perhaps once every two |
| adoption groups. You have 6, maybe 7 months to | | | | weeks. |
| wait before any real chance of receiving your | | | | Severe "Waiting-for-Referral Syndrome" |
| referral. The days come, the days go. You develop a | | | | WARNING: Symptoms of severe WFRS can be |
| routine with your work and family and the wait | | | | debilitating. You should be on alert for these |
| seems bearable. | | | | symptoms. You may need to seek help by relying on |
| Six months later, you are chained to the computer | | | | a good friend to hold you accountable for your daily |
| with your phone strapped to your hip. All you can | | | | activity. |
| think about is - "When will the call come?" You can't | | | | On your days off (or if you work at home), you |
| function at the office. You spend valuable productive | | | | wake up at zero-dark-thirty, stumble to the |
| hours chatting online with other waiting parents. The | | | | computer, log in to read the latest posts to see if |
| days now seem to have 48 hours instead of 24, and | | | | any new rumors have been started. |
| they drag on from one to the next. | | | | The sun rises, the family gets up - you are "in the |
| All you adoptive parents out there know what I'm | | | | zone" reading through the hundreds of emails from |
| talking about. It's the oh-so-common | | | | across the world, and you are still in your PJs. You |
| "waiting-for-referral" syndrome where the closer you | | | | just can't tear yourself away, for fear a news flash |
| get to your referral, the longer each day becomes. | | | | would be posted saying that referrals are on their |
| We all experience some form of WFRS at some | | | | way for the next two months' worth of dossiers! |
| point. What is important is how often and how | | | | Your family rolls their eyes and goes on about their |
| severe it is. | | | | business, hoping that you will snap out of it and live |
| Mild "Waiting-for-Referral Syndrome" | | | | life again. |
| In many people, the symptoms come and go. They | | | | Your every waking thought is about the referral: |
| have waves of obsession that come over them | | | | when will it come, when will you get the call, do I |
| every few days or so. | | | | have my camera ready to take photos, and so on. |
| You find yourself counting on your fingers the | | | | Your work suffers because you cannot focus on |
| number of months, weeks, or days until your referral | | | | your professional responsibilities. |
| should come. | | | | What to do: |
| The calendar pages are becoming frayed because | | | | Remind yourself that this process is something you |
| you keep flipping forward to the anticipated "referral" | | | | cannot control. Breathe deeply and focus on the here |
| time, daydreaming about what day it will arrive. | | | | and now. |
| What to do: | | | | Force yourself to wait to check the adoption group |
| Relax and remember that the feelings will soon pass. | | | | email postings until your family has gotten up and |
| Hundreds - no, thousands of parents have gone | | | | you've all had breakfast together. |
| through this before. If they can do it, so can you. | | | | Allow yourself one hour in the morning, and one hour |
| Think of a useful project related to your soon-to-be | | | | in the evening - MAX (preferably less) to read the |
| child: paint a piece of furniture for their room, knit a | | | | adoption group communication. |
| cap, start an adoption lifebook - some activity that | | | | Go for a date with your spouse. Talk about the |
| will allow you to think about your child during the time | | | | weather, current events, football scores - anything |
| you are focusing on the project without becoming | | | | other than the latest referral rumor. Remember, once |
| obsessed with it. | | | | you have that new little one in your home, it'll be |
| Moderate "Waiting-for-Referral Syndrome" | | | | much harder to have that precious time with your |
| The next stage of WFRS is commonly identified by | | | | honey. |
| increasing anxiety and focus on the length of the | | | | Allow yourself a window of time each day to |
| remaining wait. | | | | daydream, journal, pray, think about, and talk about |
| You may begin to have dreadful thoughts about the | | | | your anxiety over the adoption referral. This will then |
| possible conditions in which your soon-to-be child is | | | | allow your mind to be free to concentrate on your |
| living. | | | | other responsibilities. By setting aside this special, |
| You have the child's room furnished, arranged, and all | | | | reserved time each day tell yourself that you can |
| the clothing folded and put away 6 months prior to | | | | then get back to focusing on the rest of your life |
| the referral. You go in and rearrange, pretend you're | | | | and your family, because you'll have another "special, |
| holding the child while you rock. | | | | reserved time" tomorrow. |
| You may begin to eat to calm your nerves, especially | | | | In summary, keep in mind that all this waiting will be |
| M & Ms, which seem to be particularly soothing. | | | | well-worth it when they place that little child in your |
| What to do: | | | | arms. The more you are able to care for yourself |
| Continue the useful projects you started when the | | | | during the wait for your referral, the better parent |
| symptoms of WFRS were in the mild stage. You | | | | you will be from day one. |