| Moms are likely to take the brunt of their children's | | | | to expect this in advance, and to map out strategies. |
| bad behavior in general, but this is particularly true in | | | | - Organize days off for mom in advance. Perhaps on |
| older child adoption. As Gregory C. Keck, Ph.D. and | | | | Tuesdays, Dad can work from home and Mom can |
| Regina M. Kupecky state in their book Adopting the | | | | go out with friends after work. Or make Saturdays |
| Hurt Child: "Often, the hurt child creates conflicts | | | | Dad-Days. The person getting the brunt needs a |
| between his parents to improve his odds in the | | | | scheduled day off. |
| battle. To one parent (usually the father), he is kind, | | | | - Do not allow "divide and conquer" methods. Decide |
| respectful, and compliant. To the other parent, he is | | | | in advance that the older child joining your family is |
| uncooperative, mean, and cruel. Soon his parents are | | | | not a reliable source of information (which, in the |
| arguing about him...This tendency to alienate, punish, | | | | beginning is true. They are too unfamiliar). Check in |
| and hurt mothers more than fathers is one we see | | | | with your partner more than usual and don't take |
| often....a hurt child often perceives [mothers] as the | | | | your new child's word. If there's an important decision |
| ultimate betrayers...Because the child is angry at his | | | | to be made, defer it until able to consult with your |
| birth mother for failing to do her job, he directs that | | | | partner. |
| anger at her substitute---his adoptive mom." (p. | | | | - Schedule time for you and your partner and don't |
| 199-200) | | | | talk about the kids! A few hours "off" a week can |
| The authors continue, explaining that it is often the | | | | make a world of difference. |
| mother the child will target as a means of vicariously | | | | - There is an aphorism that says "Hurt children hurt". |
| punishing the first mother (the first mother being the | | | | Expect that your new child will not know how to live |
| one who abandoned, abused, or neglected the child | | | | in a family and will need time to learn those skills. |
| and the adoptive mother being a reminder or | | | | - Realize right from the start that what dad |
| representation of the first mother). The child's | | | | experiences with the new child may be completely |
| behavior may also be a continuation of patterns of | | | | different, even opposite, from what mom |
| abuse they have learned. It is very common for | | | | experiences. Honor each other's experiences and hold |
| moms to get the "junk", not just from sons but | | | | family meetings that show unity on the part of the |
| from daughters also. This happens in both | | | | parents when explaining expectations. For example: |
| international and domestic adoption, with children | | | | We expect you to hang up your clothes. Both |
| who've been institutionalized for a long time or not at | | | | parents will then need to remind the child of the task. |
| all. It occurs across cultures and ethnicities. It is very, | | | | Work hard to appear unified as parents, to have |
| very common. There are many different reasons this | | | | your child think of you as a team, and you will |
| happens, but the point is this: In older child adoption, | | | | dis-empower their "divide and conquer" strategy. |
| it is most often the mom who will take the brunt of | | | | - Read Gregory C. Keck's two books: Adopting the |
| the acting out and bad behavior. It is important to be | | | | Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child. |
| aware of this beforehand, to let your partner know | | | | |